


girl is like a sunburn

by isfromnowon



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 16:32:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 30,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4529103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isfromnowon/pseuds/isfromnowon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a dance, this thing between them. Lauren leads, Camila follows.</p><p>And Camila has missed it and she loves her so she will keep doing it. She just doesn't know how much longer she can dance to the same song.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

So it begins like this:

Camila feels faint the first second she ever sees Lauren. It's instantaneous, her crush. Her chest feels tight, hands feel clammy, time seems to stop— the whole shebang.

Lauren knows, she's always known. Camila has never been really talented at subtlety. She stares at her constantly and flushes anytime Lauren breathes. Their dynamic was drastically imbalanced from the get-go.

Drew gives Lauren wine that she drinks too much of, and so she tells Camila that she knows. She tells her she knows Camila wants to kiss her. So Camila kisses her. Lauren kisses her back. It's pretty simple. Then the next morning, Camila walks in on Keaton with his hands in Lauren's hair and his tongue down her throat. It's terrible and she cries so much she thinks she's going to dehydrate.

They don't talk about it.

Keaton ends up being the asshole Camila always suspected, and Lauren ends it the night before the boys get eliminated.

She tells Camila she's sorry, that she was just afraid and nervous and stupid. Camila kisses her again. Lauren kisses her back.

They kiss a lot. They just don't talk about what that means.

/

They make it into the Top 3, which they find totally ridiculous, and Lauren presses Camila into the door in their dressing room and kisses the breath out of her. So Camila feels kind of like she's floating, and Lauren is just ecstatic to live in a house that she no longer has to tiptoe around to avoid Keaton.

They haven't told anyone. Camila wants to, though. She's so proud about who she's kissing that she wants to send a detailed letter to every single one of her distant relatives to let them know exactly who she's kissing and how happy she feels.

She wants to be able to kiss Lauren in the kitchen when they are making breakfast without looking around first and she wants to hold her hand while they ride in the van to rehearsal.

She wants to tell them that Lauren is her girlfriend.

But that would have to mean that Lauren actually _is_ her girlfriend. And that's not true— not really.

It's not like they do this with anyone else. Keaton was gone, and Camila doesn't even think about anyone other than Lauren. But they haven't talked about it, and it's kind of all that Camila thinks about, so she asks.

They're making out in Lauren's bed the night before the finale, Lauren lying beneath her with her hands roaming underneath the back of Camila's shirt, and Camila pulls away from Lauren's lips to look her in the eyes.

"What are we doing?" She asks timidly, biting her lip.

Lauren's eyebrows furrow and her hands still when she catches her breath. "What?"

"I mean, what are we doing? Are we like —," Camila starts but stops when Lauren kind of frowns and sighs. It's almost like she's practiced this conversation.

"I like you. I told you that, right?"

Camila nods.

"And you like me. Let's not complicate that."

Lauren says it with finality and looks a little exasperated and Camila just nods, so Lauren goes back to kissing her.

Camila lets her. She's terrified of ruining it before it even really begins.

/

They get third and it's okay because Simon tells them he wants to sign them at the after party. Ally cries. Dinah and Normani dance around and scream. Camila cries a little bit too because they are just so happy. Happy that they get to do this together. Happy that this isn't the end, that it isn't over.

Lauren drinks a lot of champagne. Like, _a lot_ of champagne.

She drags Camila into the bathroom and kisses her as soon as she steadies herself. She is giggling into Camila's mouth and Camila feels so full and happy that she could cry again, but she doesn't want Lauren to stop kissing her so she really tries not to.

"This is the best night of my whole life, I think." Lauren kind of squeals when she pulls away. "I'm so happy, Camz. I'm so happy, God, I'm so happy I get to do this with you."

Camila smiles a watery smile and pulls Lauren back in by her hips. Lauren's eyes are so bright and her smile is drunk and joyful and it's all almost too much that Camila is sure she's going to cry if she keeps looking at her. So she kisses her again, and again, until someone knocks on the bathroom door and Lauren jumps away like she's been burnt.

/

They take the same flight home for a break before they come back to LA to record their EP, and Lauren puts a blanket over them before she holds Camila's hand under it. She thinks that the fans are getting carried away and it would be foolish to give them reason to believe something totally non-platonic really _is_ happening between the two of them, so she doesn't hug Camila for very long at the airport when they say goodbye.

But she does text her two nights later and tells her to sneak out because she's waiting in the driveway. Camila tiptoes downstairs and opens her front door as quietly as possible to find Clara's car in her driveway, Lauren hanging out of the window with a cheeky grin.

Camila can't fight the smile on her face even if she wanted to. It starts in her toes and she can feel it spreading throughout her whole body, warm and electric.

"Are you crazy?"

"Get in, pretty girl. We have places to be."

She takes a look back at her house before jogging to the passenger side and hopping in. She at least feigns uncertainty, but Camila could have the knowledge that her mother would ground her for the rest of her life for sneaking out, and she'd still get in the car and let Lauren take her anywhere in the world.

Lauren pulls her in by the back of her neck before she can even buckle up and kisses her hard, hands gripping Camila's hair the same time her tongue slides into her mouth. Camila gasps into her mouth seconds before Lauren abruptly pulls away.

"I missed you," she breathes and puts the car in reverse.

They drive around for an hour holding hands and making out at red lights, Lauren's music blaring with the windows down before they finally end up at the beach.

Lauren is present and alive and kissing Camila in the dark while they watch the waves under the stars, and Camila almost wishes this was their normal. There are no unspoken rules about touching in front of the girls, no leaving bathrooms minutes apart so no one suspects anything.

This is the normal Camila longs for but one she terrified and almost certain she will never get, not with Lauren.

It's almost five in the morning when they pull into Camila's driveway. Lauren's hair is messy from the wind, her eyes brighter than ever and lips swollen and red from Camila biting at them all night.

She puts the car into park and looks over at Camila with a lazy smile, leaning against the headrest before turning off the music.

It begins to register to Camila that this is kind of her first date. There was no romantic dinner or hours getting ready like she imagined, but it was Lauren. And Lauren was perfect. The night was perfect.

So she doesn't want to ruin it.

She leans over and kisses Lauren smoothly, hand cradling her jaw. Lauren covers her hand with her own and Camila feels her smiling. There are so many things she wants to say, words she feels bubbling in her stomach.

When she pulls away, she runs her thumb over Lauren's eyebrow and grins, looking at her closely. She wants to remember every centimeter of Lauren's face. "Thank you for this," she whispers.

Lauren just nods, mirroring the grin on Camila's face until Camila unbuckles and gets out.

/

Their first time happens right before they go back to LA.

Camila asks Lauren to come over while her parents take Sofi to a birthday party. They make macaroni and cheese and watch two episodes of Modern Family, and Camila gets up to take their bowls to the kitchen. She's running water into the sink when she feels Lauren's hands circle around her waist and her mouth on her neck.

Camila grabs the counter so her knees don't buckle when Lauren licks behind her ear.

Somehow she's twisted around and the water is shut off and then Lauren's tongue is in her mouth and there are hands everywhere. She feels overwhelmed, like she can't get close enough, and she squeezes at Lauren's ass in some effort to get closer, she guesses. So Lauren pulls away with a giant smirk on her swollen lips, "Do you want to go upstairs?"

Camila freezes for a split second, and she's torn, because she knows she should probably really think about this considering the nature of their relationship, the uncertainty she constantly associates with Lauren, but she also knows that there is absolutely nothing in the world she wants more than to have Lauren in every sense of the word.

So a small smile creeps up on her tinted red face, and she nods.

Lauren straddles her as soon as she falls onto her bed, a handful of Camila's hair and mouth attached to her neck. Camila pulls her face toward her own, accidentally kissing Lauren's chin instead of her mouth.

"Sorry," she giggles embarrassedly until Lauren pulls away to look at her. She grins. She looks so happy, Camila knows that she's going to remember her face at this precise moment forever. She knows she's going to dream about it tonight and every night.

"Don't be," Lauren smiles and pecks Camila's nose, then her forehead, then each of her cheeks before her lips.

They kiss for a long time until Camila realizes that little kid birthday parties don't last all night and she and Lauren might be a little pressed for time. So she pulls at the hem of Lauren's shirt.

"Off," she mumbles.

Lauren raises enough to get her t-shirt over her head and throws it on the floor behind them, and Camila's eyes grow wide at the sight. Lauren's hair is a wreck and her mouth is wet and eyes black, her red bra strap falling down her shoulder.

"You too," she smiles and pecks Camila's lips before lifting her shirt over her head. She is a little overwhelmed by the way Camila is looking at her. She's never been looked at so gently, like Camila can't believe she's real.

Lauren looks down at her, eyes raking over every square inch of skin on her torso, and Camila crosses her arms to cover herself like she's suddenly not completely sure this was a good idea. No one has ever seen her like this. Lauren is gorgeous and completely at ease in her own body. She's confident. Camila is not, and it's obvious.

Lauren hovers over her and smiles sweetly, laced with way less desire than before, and pushes until Camila is lying on her back.

"I want to see you," she smiles, un-crossing Camila's arms. "You have nothing to cover up, trust me."

"I don't really know what I'm doing," Camila whispers, anxious and embarrassed, panic washing over her flushed face. "Please, just like, know that. You know that, right?"

Lauren holds her face between her hands and runs her thumb over Camila's cheekbones. She looks hard at Camila, eyes half filled with amusement, half with adoration.

"Breathe, baby," she whispers and kisses Camila gently. And it's so much akin to the first time they ever kissed, pure and honest and sweet, like the start of something they both want so badly. Lauren tastes like macaroni and cheese and minty chapstick, and Camila kisses her back harder until Lauren starts to rub circles in her hip bones, pulling away to bite a mark into her skin right below her collarbone.

Lauren reaches around to unhook Camila's bra, and then everything is a bit of a blur of hands and Lauren's mouth on her body. Camila feels Lauren's lips begin at her bellybutton, and she feels her pulse in her throat. She focuses on the tiles of her ceiling and the way Lauren's hair feels in her hands while the kisses get higher, and then way, way lower.

Lauren slides her jeans and underwear off, and she looks up at Camila with delicate hesitancy, asking, waiting. Camila looks down at her with wide brown eyes, and she can only see the green in Lauren's when Lauren reaches up her body for one of Camila's hands and interlocks their fingers. She is choking on a string words that sound something like I think I'm falling in love with you, and all the romantic bones in her body tell her this is the perfect time to say it. But the fear wins out.

She breathes and nods and says, "I trust you," instead.

In retrospect, she thinks that was probably a way, way worse thing to say.

/

After they return to LA, Camila almost says it. She's terrified because she thinks about Lauren every fucking second of every day, and when she's not thinking about all the ways she's sure she loves her, she's thinking about the reasons she knows she shouldn't.

She almost tells her when Lauren pours her cereal and kisses her forehead the morning after they get back.

She almost blurts it out when she comes with Lauren's mouth on her neck and her hand in her underwear in the bathroom at the studio.

Camila doesn't know a lot about how this is supposed to work, but she has enough intuition to understand that Lauren isn't ready for that discussion or those feelings, even if they already exist.

They don't do a lot of talking anymore anyway. They have sex a lot. In the middle of the night after everyone is asleep. In the shower so no one can hear. Lauren hasn't been as sweet or as present as the first time. Camila pretends not to notice. She'd rather sneak around in bathrooms and steal kisses in the kitchen before anyone else gets up than scare Lauren away.

She knows how important timing is.

/

There is an after party for some event they attend. Camila forgets which.

Lauren didn't kiss her when they were in the bathroom together after their hair and makeup was done even though no one was around. Camila's forehead creases when Lauren dodges her mouth and half smiles, half frowns. "Lipstick, Camz."

Something has shifted.

The red carpet finally finishes and they are instructed to "mingle," so Dinah drags Camila and Normani away to the dance floor before Camila can even raid the snack table. It's fun and light and Camila almost forgets about the way she misses Lauren's lips until she sees them next to some boy's ear.

Lauren is leaning against a wall, smug look on her face and a brunette boy's hands on her hips. Camila can tell from the look on her face that she's faking the laugh in his ear, but she doesn't move away.

She kind of feels sick. She's frozen on the dance floor and Dinah notices, follows her gaze to Lauren and looks at Camila like she's sad too.

"Come on, Chancho. Dance with me!" She spins Camila around until Lauren is no longer in her line of sight and Camila really really loves Dinah for knowing without really knowing anything.

Camila tries to dance and replays Lauren saying "let's not complicate that" over and over until she has about thirty different possible meanings and a massive headache. There's a music change and she turns around to see the boy sucking a lovebite into the curve of Lauren's neck. Her head is tilted back and when she opens her eyes, they find Camila.

It's like time stops. 

Lauren is looking right at her while someone else has their face buried in her neck, and Camila stops moving altogether. They hold eye contact for what feels like forever, and Camila can probably guess how pathetic she must look right now. She looks away to watch Lauren grab a handful of the boy's shirt and push him away. After a brief exchange that looks mostly clumsy and kind of drunk, she gives Camila another glance before walking away and molding into the crowd.

Camila is breathing heavily. In and out really, really slowly because she's terrified that she's about to sob in the middle of a dance floor filled with people she doesn't even know. She thinks about his hands on Lauren's hips and in her hair, and she clutches her chest in pain. It's like someone shoved a vacuum down her throat. She feels so unsettlingly empty and she thinks of Lauren's face. She thinks about how Lauren looked so calm, looking her in the eye like nothing was wrong. Like she almost enjoyed it. Like it was purposeful.

And Camila feels tears prick at her eyes when she realizes that Lauren didn't at all look sorry.

She has to get out of there, it's hot and all too much and she can't cry. She refuses to cry.

She pushes open the bathroom door in a rush, but stops immediately when she sees Lauren. Standing across the room, leaning against the wall. Waiting.

"Hi," she says.

Camila rolls her eyes, but she's so embarrassed by how relieved she is that Lauren is talking to her after whatever it was that happened outside. She doesn't say anything back, just crosses her arms and waits. For an explanation, for something.

Lauren crooks her finger in her direction, beckoning her forward. "Come here."

Camila pauses, and she really knows she shouldn't. She just spent ten minutes trying not to cry over her and she knows it's stupid but the look in Lauren's eyes is fucking hypnotizing. She doesn't have a chance. She doesn't think she's ever had a chance.

So she walks over, slowly, and stops inches away. She can smell wine on Lauren's breath and sees that her lipstick has been reapplied. She's disgusted by how beautiful she still thinks she is.

Hands grip at Camila's waist, pulling her forward. She thinks Lauren is trying to kiss her, like some attempt to get off the hook for macking on some loser right in front of her. But she pulls her in for a hug and buries her face in Camila's neck, breathing out relief. It feels like an apology, Camila thinks. It's almost twice as upsetting as anything else.

"What just happened outside, Lauren?"

Lauren pulls back then to look at her, arms still holding Camila close. She blinks twice, and then kisses her.

She tastes like red wine and peppermint, and Camila is ashamed at how long it takes her to push Lauren slightly at the chest and pull back.

"Can't we just talk?" She pleads, searching Lauren's face for answers. Her eyes are almost black and her mouth is wet. Camila almost forgets all of her pride and kisses her again, but she's trying not to be so weak.

Lauren just sighs and rests her forehead on Camila's shoulder. "About what?"

"About that guy groping you and you staring at me like it was some kind of joke. Or a game, or something. What's going on, Lauren?" Camila takes a step back now, hands running through her hair. Her voice gets tight and her face contorts when she asks, "Are you playing with me?"

Lauren takes a deep breath and narrows her eyes. "I don't have to explain myself to you."

Camila doesn't think she's ever seen her look so cold.

"Why are you being like this?"

"You don't own me, Camila." Lauren snaps, breathes out and frustratedly runs her hand through her hair. Camila stares at her black nails, remembers painting them for her the night before. She thinks it's the first time she hasn't believed Lauren, the first time she's ever seen her so conflicted. "I'm not your fucking girlfriend."

Then she storms out of the bathroom, pushing by Camila and shoving the door open. And that's it. Camila gets the message.

Dinah notices something's off and asks Camila that night while they're up watching a movie, because Lauren got a cab without them and was locked in her room when the rest of them got back. Camila doesn't cry. She tells her she just thinks Lauren is on her period.

Or something.

/

This is the thing about Lauren.

There are a lot of things about Lauren.

There are obvious things, of course. Like the fact that she's almost unfairly beautiful. Or that she's incredibly intelligent. Camila thinks Lauren is probably the smartest person she knows. She reads a lot and listens to music almost constantly and talks a lot about art. These are obvious things. These are great things. These are things Camila really loves about her.

There are less obvious things that Camila eventually learned the same way all of them did. Like how caring she can be and that she's probably the most honest person Camila has ever met. She does everyone's laundry just because she feels like it and makes them all breakfast at least twice a week. She gives really thought out answers when someone asks for advice and holds doors open for people. She is great in a lot of ways. These are great things, too.

But there are other things, Camila learns, about Lauren. Not so great things. There are things she really, really hates.

Like sometimes, Lauren is an asshole. She's stubborn and self-righteous and it breaks Camila's heart sometimes.

These are things Camila tries to convince herself don't really exist, things she refuses to believe because she doesn't really know a world where Lauren isn't the epitome of everything wonderful.

But then the not so great things show up again and Camila tries harder and harder to reassess the way she thinks about the girl she loves.

/

They don't talk about it. Lauren avoids her for five days but Camila can tell she's making a conscious effort not to appear suspicious to the group, because she makes small talk. She asks Camila if she needs anything from the kitchen or if she is getting the harmonies right at the studio.

But she makes sure they are never alone together.

Camila is trying to adjust to a world where she and Lauren are no longer whatever they were, and she cries at night sometimes. She's pretty positive that it's all over.

But then there's a knock on her bedroom door and Lauren is standing there.

"Can I come in?"

She's wearing plaid pajama pants and a red t-shirt Camila has never seen before. She briefly wonders if it belongs to another boy Lauren met at one of the parties she sneaks off to, but she nods anyway.

Lauren sits on the edge of the bed and starts picking at the lint on her pants. She doesn't look at Camila when she says, "I'm sorry for behaving that way at the party."

It sounds painfully rehearsed.

Camila shrugs and never takes her eyes off her. "It's alright."

Lauren looks up at her then, relief on her face. She looks at the door and Camila knows too well that it's to make sure it's locked, and then crawls up the bed toward her. She shifts so that her legs straddle Camila, and then she kisses her.

It's feverish and Camila gasps into Lauren's mouth. She hates herself for how much she missed it and wonders how she's ever going to survive it if it all ever really does stop.

She moves in slowly, so slowly Camila counts the seconds and then all of the colors in Lauren's eyes. Lauren's gaze is flickering back and forth between Camila's lips and eyes, and Camila doesn't know if she should run. Doesn't know if she even could.

She reaches up to hold Lauren's face with both hands because there's always this faint doubt in the back of Camila's head that she's still dreaming. All of this time and she still has to touch Lauren to make sure she's real.

It's sweet and slow, and Camila can't remember the last time that they kissed like this. Lauren has one hand in Camila's hair and the other on her waist and they can hear the drowned out sound of Normani's music from across the hall.

She pulls back and Camila's eyes are still closed when she asks, "Was that alright?"

"Of course."

There's a split second when Lauren looks down at Camila and something other than the usual hesitation and fear flashes in her eyes. Camila would've missed it if she hadn't been staring so hard at her, waiting like she always was for Lauren to slip up and let on that this wasn't all part of some game.

She wasn't looking at Camila like she wanted to devour her as fast as possible, or like she was winning at a game she created herself. The look on her face was genuine. She looks happy. And Camila wants to slap her and kiss her simultaneously because Lauren is doing something really dangerous. She's giving her hope.

/

She wakes up and Lauren is still there. There are only a handful of times Camila can count when Lauren has actually stayed.

Lauren is facing her, hair all tousled and hanging over her face. Camila moves it away and holds onto her face, running her thumb over Lauren's cheeks. She's beautiful and Camila could watch her forever, just like this, when Lauren's every glance isn't calculated.

But she stirs eventually, and her eyes look brighter than Camila has ever remembered when she opens them up. Camila's hand is still there, and Lauren looks only mildly panicked when she registers where she is.

"Morning," she croaks out.

"Morning. You look really beautiful," Camila whispers, shy and quiet.

Lauren smiles, but it's reserved. And she doesn't say anything back. She just squeezes Camila's hand and rolls out of the bed, stopping to gather her clothes from their various spots on the floor and slipping them on. Camila watches her, unsure of what to say or do next.

They still haven't spoken again by the time Lauren is fully dressed, and Camila stands up with the sheet wrapped around her naked body.

"The door is locked, you know." Lauren smiles, nodding toward the sheet. "I've seen all you've got to cover up, so no need to be modest."

Camila flushes. She doesn't know why.

"You wanna go get lunch, or something?"

Lauren's smile falters, then. "I'm not really up for going out. We can hang out tonight again, though. Like, later."

Camila's face falls but she nods. "Right, okay." The routine is back and she was stupid enough to think it had ended. Lauren walks toward her and pulls at the hand Camila is using to hold the sheet around her. It falls.

They stand and look at each other in silence before Camila tilts her head and sighs. "Aren't we going to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"About last night. About the party. About this." She gestures between her naked body and Lauren's clothed one. It's almost a perfect metaphor.

"I told you I was sorry. I didn't mean to upset you at the party. What's left to talk about?" It's almost robotic, the way she half-apologizes.

"So we're back to square one then."

"I don't know what you expected. We've talked about this. I don't want to make things more—"

"Complicated. Right. I know." Camila finishes for her. She crosses her arms and tries not to look as disappointed as she feels, all too aware of her bareness in front of Lauren. She feels smaller than she normally does, a feat she didn't know Lauren could make possible while doing so little.

Lauren smiles sympathetically, but it's forced. She looks conflicted and not all the way there, like one foot is already out of the door. "We're good then, yeah?"

Her hand snakes around Camila's waist and rubs circles into her hipbone, and Camila doesn't think it's really possible to not nod. "Yeah, we're good."

Lauren grins and kisses her on the cheek. "I'll see you later."

Then she's gone, unlocking the door swiftly and slipping out. Camila doesn't know where she's going. She rarely does.

Lauren always has a keen certainty about which doors are locked and which are unlocked, Camila has noticed. She checks over and over.

Camila can't even tell when a door is closed and she often forgets to knock.

Maybe that is where things don't quite line up for them.

/

She knocks at Camila's door that night again, locking it on her way in, not even waiting until Camila tells her she's welcome inside.

It's like clockwork.

This time, Lauren isn't there when Camila wakes up. And she never is again. But the door is always still locked when she leaves, she makes sure of it. God forbid anyone walk in on Camila wrapped naked in a sheet with her clothes thrown all over the place. Too many questions. And Lauren knows that.

/

Lauren has been on her phone all day long.

They leave the studio early and go to dinner all together, the five of them. Camila sits across from Lauren and next to Normani, and watches the girl in front of her smirk at her phone for 45 minutes while she picks at the salmon on her plate.

It's been a week since the last time anything has happened between them. Camila has kept herself up for weeks trying to find the right words without making Lauren want to run. They all sound like I love you no matter how delicately she tries to arrange them.

She wants to tell her. She wants Lauren to know that she can't keep sneaking away to let her fuck her in the bathroom of the studio and she can't keep waking up to empty beds. She can't keep letting Lauren use her at her discretion. It's always on her terms, and Camila happily obliges because she loves her. She knows that now.

But she can't keep doing this, whatever it is. She really can't keep watching Lauren blush at her stupid iPhone so much that she misses how funny Dinah's joke about hot air balloons is. (Lauren probably wouldn't have laughed anyway, but Camila almost chokes on her green beans and Normani pats her back like she's burping a baby and it's all a big mess).

Lauren never looks up, though. Dinah tosses a french fry at her and chastises her for not paying attention, asks Lauren who is so important that she can't pay attention to them. Lauren rolls her eyes and winks and Camila wants to throw up.

/

It has to be almost midnight the night after that dinner when Lauren creeps into her room, smiling like she's high and crawling onto Camila's bed.

"Hi," she smiles sweetly with a glint of mischief that Camila knows the meaning of by now. Lauren is hovering over her, holding her weight with her arms stretched out on either side of the girl under her.

"Hey," Camila replies, reaching over to lay Catcher in the Rye on her bedside table. Lauren dives into her neck then, nipping at the skin lightly while Camila tries to maintain her breathing.

Lauren is whispering something about taking off her shirt and she's so close that Camila wants to just breathe her in. It's all a pattern that Camila is almost too exhausted to break, but she needs to.

She wraps her hands around Lauren's back and pulls her closer, into a weird hug that kind of forces Lauren to collapse into her. Camila holds her there and feels Lauren stop kissing her neck, and it's quiet.

"I missed you this week," she whispers into Lauren's hair and tries to pull her closer. There's no space between them.

She can feel Lauren chuckle into her neck. "Me too."

Camila grins up at her once Lauren pulls back. Lauren leans in and kisses her, but Camila pulls away after a moment and holds Lauren's face in her hands, thumbs brushing her cheeks. Lauren's eyes are so green and her lips are so pink and she's so fucking pretty, and Camila loves her. She thinks she's going to die if she doesn't say it.

"Can I tell you something?" She asks, hands raking through Lauren's hair. Lauren closes her eyes and hums. "Look at me, please."

Lauren opens her eyes. Camila feels the words shifting up her body, tickling her throat.

"I love you," she whispers. She feels weight drop from her shoulders, like she can finally walk again without wanting to lie down. "I really love you, Lauren."

She waits. Lauren looks down at her and Camila can see her throat move, she can hear Lauren's breath catch. There is a beat, just a fraction of a second where Camila thinks she sees a flash of something joyous in Lauren's eyes. Recognition, relief, maybe. But it's gone before it's even really there. Lauren blinks it away.

"Oh," Lauren finally rasps out. She looks away then and Camila feels her stomach drop the very same second. Lauren gets off of her and sits up at the end of the bed, running her hands through her hair. Her face is pale.

She chews on her lip for a moment and exhales, long and slow. Her eyes are shiny, her face feels hot. She looks upset, and Camila is about to reach out for her when Lauren says it.

"I think we took this too far."

Camila feels her breath catch in her throat, and she almost chokes on the dead air. She gapes at Lauren like the wind has been knocked out of her. Everything looks dark in her room even with both of the lamps on, and she almost winces at the pain from the twist she feels in her stomach. She starts to panic.

"You— you don't mean that, Lauren," she says, her voice wavering. She thinks she might throw up.

Lauren closes her eyes and nods. She looks like a school teacher or a disappointed parent. "I do, Camila."

But she's trembling.

"I'm sorry though," she says when she opens her eyes and sees Camila's wide with fear. Her voice is shaky and thick, but she's actively pretending that she doesn't notice. "I didn't mean for it to happen like this."

"Lauren," Camila starts and she can feel how wet her eyes are, "we don't have to be anything. I didn't mean it, okay? Come on," she's begging and she knows how desperate she has to sound. She shakes her head like she's trying to clear it. "Is it about the party? I told you it was alright. Lauren, please."

"It's not about the party. I just can't do this. I told you we shouldn't complicate this. You're complicating it. So it needs to stop."

She gets off of the bed and hovers over Camila, who looks up with wide, wet eyes. She shakes her head once and picks her cardigan up from the top of the comforter.

The door shuts a moment later.

/

Camila cries harder than she can ever remember crying. Painful, heavy sobs that have Ally crawling into her bed when she peeps in to say goodnight (like she used to do before the door was locked almost every night). The older girl's eyes go wide at the sight of Camila curled into herself, hands covering her face in embarrassment because she's in love with Lauren.

She's in love with her. And she's ruined everything.

She doesn't tell Ally that, but she thinks that on some level Ally probably knows because she holds her from behind and whispers, "Some people just have to make a million mistakes before they get it right, Mila."

That only makes Camila cry harder because she's like a thousand percent sure that Ally is a literal angel walking around the earth and she could live a hundred lifetimes and probably still not deserve someone so wonderful as a friend.

So she tells her.

She turns in Ally's embrace and she tells her about the kisses at X Factor and that Lauren took her virginity when they went home and how invincible she made Camila feel. She tells her about the sneaking around for months and the party with the boy, about the fight in the bathroom and the yelling.

She tells Ally that she is in love with Lauren, that she has been for a long time. And Ally cries a little bit too, because she's Ally and because she loves them both.

/

They're going home for the holidays.

Lauren is an hour late for their flight to Miami and Camila knows it's on purpose. Lauren is never late.

So they don't see each other.

They don't text or call the whole time they're back home.

Dinah sends her pictures of her new baby brother and Ally texts her pretty much every other day. Normani calls three times.

But Lauren is a ghost. Camila thinks she kind of always has been.

/

Lauren shows up at the airport with a new ear piercing and marks on her neck Camila knows she couldn't possibly have made, and she forces a tight smile while Camila chokes on what she thinks is her heart in her throat.

They don't talk on the plane ride back to LA. Lauren has headphones in that Camila notices aren't even plugged into anything, so she shoves her face in a book and puts on sunglasses so no one knows she's kind of crying.

It's terrible. It's so terrible because Camila smells Lauren's perfume and she has to stop herself from resting her head on her shoulder, and she can't remember the last time she didn't feel like collapsing.

/

They take care of what they have to do for the band. They record their music and harmonize with each other like it's second nature and pose for photoshoots. But they don't communicate. They don't speak about anything of substance.

It takes her almost four days after they land to say something. Lauren hasn't directly said anything to her either, and she won't look her in the eye.

So Camila bites almost all of her nails off and pads down the hallway to Lauren's bedroom. Her lights are still on even though it's midnight and they have rehearsal in the morning. Camila stands there, willing herself not to cry before she even makes it into the room, and breathes.

She finally knocks and hears the music pause in Lauren's room, then footsteps. The door swings open and Lauren is staring at her, eyes wide but face looking more dreadful than surprised.

Camila blinks at her and can't remember what she even wanted to say. Lauren looks at her feet.

Then her phone rings.

She turns her head back towards her room and looks at Camila like she's sorry. "That's probably Luis," she says slowly, like it explains everything. Like she's giving Camila some kind of answer.

She knows who he is. She's heard Dinah and Normani make jokes about him and ask when they get to meet him. (Ally never joins in; she just glances Camila's way and grabs her hand under the table to make sure she's okay. Camila loves her for that).

Camila's shoulders slump and she wants to say so much. She wants to tell Lauren that she's being an asshole. She wants to demand an explanation longer than three words; wants to say she deserves one. She wants to scream, but she's too tired.

And she really just wants to fall into Lauren and beg. But she's too tired for that too and she knows better by now.

"I guess that's it then," she says instead.

Lauren looks everywhere but her and shrugs. 'I'm sorry' is on the tip of her tongue but Camila holds up her hand because she can't bear it. It's not like she'd really believe an apology anyway.

/

Lauren introduces them all to Luis when he visits in LA.

She and Camila haven't had a proper conversation about anything other than a dance routine or music since the night she knocked on Lauren's door looking for answers, but when he gets there she acts like they've been fine.

Lauren's tone is false and she becomes tense and jumpy when she talks to her in front of him, and Camila is sure Luis thinks they're best friends still, but she sees through Lauren's facade and it hurts that she's some chess piece in this game Lauren's playing. She suspects she always has been.

It's worse than not talking at all.

/

They go on tour with Demi, and it should be the most amazing time of Camila's life. She should constantly have a smile on her face, and she wants to. She wants so badly to soak in this experience with grace and gratitude but Lauren is always on the phone with that boy and she's never in Camila's bed, and it's not easy to adjust to.

But she plays her part the best she can. She makes stupid jokes and clings to Dinah and smiles as much as she can even though it's almost physically painful. She refuses to let her naivety and the mess it has gotten her into affect the rest of them. Only Ally knows. But Ally doesn't push.

She's in her bunk reading, like she always is, when Lauren slides her curtain back.

It's startling, mostly because she doesn't remember the last time Lauren has intentionally spoken to her. It has been weeks.

"Hey, can we talk?"

Camila's eyes go a little wide. She doesn't mean to react so quickly. "Why?"

Lauren looks a little discouraged, but she also looks a little guilty. "I miss you."

She frowns when Camila doesn't respond, only closing her book and staring down at the cover, running her thumbs over the words.

"Look, I— I know that things got messy. But I just," she pauses to reach out and cover Camila's hand with her own, "I miss you a lot. You like, balance me out. And I need you."

Camila looks up at her then. She moves Lauren's hand. "In what way? Because you really need to be more clear."

Lauren's expression changes. It's more honest than Camila has seen it in a long time. "I just want things to be how they were. Before they got complicated."

Camila thinks she might throw up.

/

Austin Mahone is as cliché as he is cute. He has been after Camila for a long, long time, and she's never given him the time of day because Lauren was still— well, breathing.

He DMs her on Twitter for the hundredth time and asks if he could get her number so they can hang out the next time he's in Los Angeles. She rolls her eyes, and she wants to politely tell him to leave her alone. But then she hears Lauren and Luis laughing in the kitchen— because he visited again, and she's so infuriated and disappointed that she even adds a smiley face to the end of her number before she sends it back.

/

"What's up with you and Lo?"

Camila looks up from her cereal to see Dinah staring back at her with her eyes squinted.

She hasn't spoken about Lauren to anyone since the night Ally walked into the aftermath of Lauren's decision. She doesn't really think she's ready to, either.

"What are you talking about?"

Dinah tilts her head and pulls a face. "You used to be up each other's asses 24/7, and now I don't even see y'all speak. I'm pretty but I ain't dumb, Mila."

Camila sighs. She's too tired to have this conversation. The thought of having any conversation revolving around Lauren makes her kind of nauseous, and she really wants to keep her cereal down, so she shrugs.

"She has a new boyfriend, she's busy with that. We're fine."

Dinah squints again. Camila is annoyed by it.

"Yeah, okay." She says, suspicion in her voice. "You're off the hook now because you look tired, but I got my eyes on you."

Camila gives her a thumbs up sign and continues to stare at the cereal floating around in her milk. She hears Dinah's chair squeak like she's getting up, and she feels relief until she sees feet padding around the table toward her. Then there's a hand on her chin, lifting her face.

"Hey, I'm here if you need me. You know that, right?" Dinah's face is serious. It's never serious. Camila wonders if Ally has said anything.

She nods. "I know."

Dinah kisses the top of her head and leaves the kitchen. Camila finishes her cereal in her room.

/

Lauren finds Camila on the balcony of her hotel room, picking at her nail polish. They are somewhere in Texas.

"Peace offering?" She hands Camila a bottle of water and sits in the white chair next to her.

Camila rolls her eyes half-heartedly because she's too tired. She's been tired for so long.

"We're not at war, Lauren."

"Could've fooled me."

Camila shakes her head and wishes she had the energy for this conversation, for the back and forth that doesn't go anywhere or do anything apart from make her upset. She can't look at Lauren without everything hurting.

"Can I say anything?" Lauren asks. She sounds small, nervous, afraid.

Camila ponders that question. There are a lot of things Lauren can and should say. But it doesn't mean anything to her anymore, not when her words are so far mismatched from the way she behaves outside of here, outside of their bubble.

"Don't worry about it," she replies, not looking at her.

Lauren gets up then. She stops by Camila's chair and the table next to it, looking down and then back at Camila.

"You have a text," she mumbles, "from Austin."

Then she slams the balcony door shut like a child and doesn't try to speak to Camila for the rest of the week.


	2. Chapter 2

The tour ends. The twist in Camila's gut every time she sees Lauren never does.

They go back to LA to wrap up the final touches on their album. Camila still isn't enjoying everything half as much as she pretends to, but Ally lets her cry on her shoulder when she needs to and Dinah is always there to make her laugh.

/

Austin shows up at her door with flowers the second night they are back in Los Angeles. He's dressed up and has a bouquet of red roses and a grin on his face. Camila has to fake the first smile she gives him because _God_ , it's so fucking cheesy, but by the time their salads get to the dinner table, she's actually having fun.

He's honestly kind of dumb and a little bit too self-involved, but he's sweet to her, and he isn't afraid to let her know that he likes her. It's the polar opposite of what she's used to, so she eats it up.

He holds her hand in the movies and posts a picture of them for the entire world to see and analyze, and she's so accustomed to secrecy that she almost panics. The ease he shows her off with is so foreign that it's almost off-putting.

She lets him kiss her and quickly realizes how badly she wishes she hadn't. It feels inherently wrong— the way his lips feel, the way he tastes. But she keeps doing it because she knows she can. It's nice to know that she can if she wants to. She's never been given that kind of freedom.

/

Lauren knows she's going out with him, but they don't talk about it.

Camila knows Lauren is still dating Luis, but they don't talk about it.

They talk about things that don't really matter and continue to play their parts, and for a while, things kind of feel normal again.

Ally checks on her almost every day and encourages her to go out with Austin but never shows any signs of disappointment toward Lauren. Their group still works because they love each other and they want it to.

Camila kind of stops thinking about all of the ways she wants Lauren and Lauren stops thinking of all of the ways she already had Camila.

They laugh together and dance together like they used to. The only difference is that Lauren goes to bed talking to her boyfriend instead of under Camila.

It still sucks and Camila is conflicted all hours of the day, but it's doable.

/

It's only a few weeks after they're home that it happens.

Camila is eating a pop tart for breakfast, naturally, minding her own business at the kitchen table. Ally is making coffee and tapping her feet to the song Normani is playing from her phone. Dinah is still sleeping, she assumes.

Lauren is usually one of the first up, so Camila wonders what she's doing, wonders if she's hungover or something. But she doesn't mention it, Ally does.

"Why's Lauren still in bed? She didn't go out last night."

Normani pauses the music and looks down the hall, checking. She lowers her voice. "I was up with her pretty late last night. Her and Luis broke up."

Ally stops what she's doing, and for a moment her face looks sympathetic and disappointed. But she quickly glances at Camlia to search for a reaction that's probably written pretty plainly on her face.

"That's too bad," she says. "How's she taking it?"

Normani shrugs, picking at the toast on her plate. "She was pretty pissed at first, but then she got upset. Didn't really talk a lot. I just hung out to keep her company."

Camila doesn't listen anymore. She quietly throws away the rest of her food and goes back to her room. She sits on her bed and takes deep breaths, wondering what she should do, if she should do anything. Then she grabs her headphones and cell phone, and makes her way to Lauren's room.

She knocks, quiet and unsure, like she's about a millisecond away from scurrying back down the hall into her room where it's safe.

"I'm busy," Lauren calls. Her voice sounds hoarse and tired. Camila can tell she's upset without seeing her, knows that she's just trying to keep everyone away.

She clears her throat. "It's uh— it's me, Lauren."

It goes quiet for a few moments, and Camila is almost sure Lauren isn't going to say anything else.

Then the door opens, and Lauren is standing there in a blue shirt too big for her, hair messy and eyes bloodshot.

"Hi," Camila says, just above a whisper.

"Hi."

Lauren's face is puffy and eyes red. She looks absolutely miserable. It breaks Camila's heart.

She lifts a single earbud toward Lauren, offering. Lauren's face twists, but she looks so happy that Camila can't feel anything but joy, too.

They lie on the floor, just in front of Lauren's bed, side by side. Camila puts an earbud in her ear, and Lauren watches her face carefully for a moment. Camila doesn't look back, just stares at the ceiling, waiting. Lauren looks up at it too when she slides her half of the headphones into her ear.

Camila turns on the music. 

She swears she can feel Lauren tense up beside her. They aren't touching, really. Their hair probably is, where its spread wild below them, running over one another's. Camila is aching to scoot closer. Lauren is too, but she'd rather die than admit it.

They used to do this when they were on X Factor, the nights everything got to be a little too much. Before they ever kissed, before things changed. Before they got complicated.

They did it afterwards too for a while, just less and less as things got worse.

Lauren would play Camila John Mayer's entire discography, eyes closed and smile permanently resting on her face like it would never go away. Camila would play Lauren the Spanish songs she grew up hearing her parents dance to while they cooked.

At the beginning, they'd end up just looking at each other, turned on their sides with flushed cheeks and soft smiles.

But later on, Lauren would flip over onto Camila and breathe the lyrics into her neck while her hands traveled much lower.

Now they don't do much of anything. It feels like a lifetime ago.

The song has changed nine times and they are still in the same position.

_Anything less than 'I love you' is lying_

Lauren reaches out then, grabbing Camila's hand. Camila squeezes it. Friends, Lovers, or Nothing. Lauren showed her this song a long time ago.

She turns on her side to look at her, and Lauren has a tear running down the side of her face. She doesn't turn to look at Camila, just squeezes her hand and closes her eyes.

Camila feels herself falling back into it— the trap, the game. Whatever Lauren held her captive in for so long that left her lifeless. She doesn't want to feel the way she's been feeling. It hurts so much worse than novels and songs have prepared her for.

They stay there like that until the light stops shining through Lauren's windows and Camila's phone dies. The sudden halt of music startles them both.

Lauren turns and her face isn't as puffy, eyes aren't as red. Camila smiles at her because she can't help it, Lauren is gorgeous even like this.

"You okay?" She mumbles. Lauren's hand is still holding onto hers.

"I wanted it to work with him. I think I needed it to."

Camila doesn't know what to say. It stings a little, but she nods. "I'm sorry it didn't."

"Thank you," Lauren whispers. "You don't owe this to me. Not after how I acted."

Camila goes quiet. Lauren lets go of her hand and rests it on her face, brushing it with her thumb. Camila wants to think she's got enough intuition by now to be sure that Lauren won't kiss her. It's terrible timing, she thinks. It wouldn't make much sense, she also thinks. Lauren knows better, she's sure.

But surely enough, Lauren is leaning in.

Surely enough, Camila's eyes flutter closed as soon as she can feel Lauren's breath. She wonders if this is what it's come to — if they've lost all ability to communicate unless they're doing this.

And then it's like they've never gone a moment _without_ doing this— that's how well it works, how much sense it makes when Lauren rolls her over and peels Camila's shirt off.

There is probably blood in her mouth because she bites her tongue so hard to keep from saying "I love you" when she comes with Lauren's mouth on her clit, Camila pulling on her hair harder than she ever has because Lauren should have to hurt too.

Even if she had a gun to her head, she wouldn't be able to recall Austin's name.

/

A bit later, silence surrounding them as Camila lies naked on Lauren's bedroom floor and Lauren gets up to take a shower, Camila asks. She's sick of not knowing.

"Does this mean anything?"

Lauren doesn't look at her. She just grabs a towel and shrugs. "Of course it does."

Camila opens and closes her mouth, she wasn't expecting that.

"You know what I mean, Lo. Is it going to be different this time?"

Lauren looks at her over her shoulder then. She looks so composed that Camila can't believe she was crying an hour ago. "Camz, I adore you, and I've missed this, but it's all I can give you."

/

The sixth time Austin takes her out, he asks her to be his girlfriend.

All that Lauren can give her isn't enough, not when he's offering to give her more.

She says yes.

/

**About to shower when Mani leaves. Door's unlocked.**

Camila is packing for tour when Lauren texts her. Dinah and Ally went shopping so Normani's the only one left. Always a schedule with Lauren.

She doesn't text back, and she doesn't join her when she hears the shower start fifteen minutes later either.

Camila is a lot of things. She's childish and clumsy and too naive for her own good, and she's learned that she will do a lot of things she hates just to be with Lauren for a fraction of a second.

But she's not a toy that Lauren can pick up and play with on her terms without listening to any of Camila's own. She used to be, but she can't do it again.

She's doesn't want to be that person anymore. So she replies while she can still hear the water running.

**No more.**

She wants to add _please, I can't take it._ But she's afraid Lauren might take that as a challenge.

/

The tour with Austin and The Vamps starts and Lauren puts in a request to room with Normani every night they stay in a hotel.

Austin is in one of the smaller kitchens— almost like a break room— in their venue. It's just the second show. He's rummaging through a cabinet looking for something when Camila walks in and says hello.

"Hey, Camila," he smiles, grinning at her over his shoulder. His pronunciation still isn't quite there but she ignores it. "What's up?"

"Just seeing what you were up to. Everyone else is outside."

"Looking for granola bars. Will you check that cabinet?"

She finds them and reaches up to grab the box. "They're up here."

Then she feels Austin's hands on her waist.

She turns around and he kisses her. He's not bad at it, really, but she doesn't particularly miss it when it stops. And it stops almost immediately because someone slams the door with force. They break apart and Camila sees Lauren over Austin's shoulder, walking in like she doesn't notice them.

She does, though. Camila is a thousand percent sure of that, because Lauren catches her eye on her way to the table in the center of the room.

Austin looks between the two of them, confused. He's innocent and honestly — a little bit too dumb to draw any weird conclusions, so Camila isn't worried. He kisses her on the cheek, picking up the box behind her on the counter. "I have soundcheck, babe. I'll find you after."

She nods and fakes a smile. Lauren is pouring herself coffee. Camila watches her hands and hates herself for how much she misses them. She is dressed in a crop top and shorts that are against every school in the world's dress code, and Camila has to look away and turn back back around before she gets caught staring.

"Bit of a downgrade, don't you think?"

She freezes at the sound of Lauren's voice. She's not facing her, but she can imagine the smirk on her face, can hear the teasing in her tone. It makes her see red.

She slams the cabinet shut and spins around. She's right — Lauren looks happy with herself.

"No, not really."

That seems to strike a nerve in Lauren, because her smirk disappears and her eyes look a little hurt. But she can't really protest Camila's statement. They both know that.

"It was just a joke, Camz. Sorry."

Camila ignores her, not trusting her voice, and turns around again, gripping the sides of the counter and taking deep, slow breaths. She hates how easily Lauren gets under her skin.

Lauren stirs her coffee and gets up to leave. Her hand is on the door handle when she stops and turns around. Camila is waiting for it. She thinks she might always be waiting on Lauren to do something.

Lauren's voice is low and honest.

"Do you love him?"

Camila blinks. She can't believe the audacity. Of course she doesn't love him. She's just trying not to love _her._

But she refuses to say those words to Lauren again. Austin Mahone can spin Camila in circles all over the fucking country night after night, but it's not going to change anything, it never was. It's just making her dizzy.

Her eyes are burning, but she keeps her voice level. "You have no right to ask me that."

"Why? Aren't we friends, Camila?"

"I don't know what we are. You have a hard time cluing me in."

Lauren raises her eyebrows. She looks kind of sorry, but not sorry enough for Camila to care. Not sorry enough to do anything about it. "I guess that's fair."

Lauren looks at her a bit longer, a reflective sadness in her eyes. They aren't very bright today, Camila notices, hates that she notices. Lauren nods once, and leaves Camila alone, knuckles white and breathing unsteady.

/

Bradley Simpson is nothing if not charming. He is just the right amount of odd that is compelling instead of creepy. He has a big, goofy smile and brown dough eyes. He plays guitar really well and tells jokes that are even worse than Camila's but somehow make him all the more endearing. And he's fucking British.

So when Camila sees Lauren giggling into his shoulder and Brad sneaking his arm around her waist while they walk back to their buses, she knows she's doomed. She shouldn't care because she has Austin, but she wants nothing more than to tear the stupid curls off of Brad's head.

It doesn't really happen slowly.

Brad flirts with her mercilessly and Lauren is flattered, truthfully. She's not forcing it the way she did with Luis. He makes her laugh, they listen to the same music, he isn't a terrible kisser, and she doesn't feel like running away at the mere sight of him the way she's felt with Camila for so long. It's too convenient to just throw away.

So she lets it happen.

Camila is busy with Austin. It's only right that she have a distraction too.

It makes Camila sick, watching Lauren practically throw herself at him without an ounce of hesitance in her movements.

That's what gets Camila, she thinks. Every move Lauren ever made toward her was laced with hesitance. So watching her lazily rest her head on Brad's shoulder while she talks to Normani like Camila's heart isn't breaking in half makes her want to bolt. So she does.

The chair squeaks loudly and she almost trips over a cord hooked up to one of the boys' amps, and everyone looks up just as the door slams shut.

Lauren doesn't follow her.

/

Things stay that way for a while.

Camila sings when she's supposed to sing, dances when she's supposed to dance, and the world keeps turning. She spends most of her free time with Austin because Lauren spends all of hers with Brad.

Dinah is always analyzing every interaction Camila and Lauren share, and Camila can feel her figuring things out. It scares her so she tries harder to act like everything is fine. She and Lauren are friends.

Ally watches over them like a mother. She mediates and keeps tension low and Camila loves her so much for trying so hard to keep everything running smoothly.

Camila doesn't think Normani knows anything. Ally would never tell, and she's closer to Lauren than she is to Camila, so she knows Lauren hasn't said anything. She wouldn't dare.

/

They have a show in Texas and when it's over, Lauren gets drunk.

The Vamps have a lot of alcohol and a lot of weed, and Lauren likes both of those things, especially when they're free.

She's been in their room since their set ended. Camila and Dinah stayed to watch Austin's, and Ally and Normani had family come so they left with them.

She's resting her head on Brad's shoulder on the couch while he rolls another joint, looking at the ceiling and laughing at the shapes she sees. She had the spins for a bit but feels her stomach settle. James is fiddling with his guitar at the other end, the noise comforting.

"How long have Austin and Camila been together?" He asks her.

Lauren's body tenses, but she tries to play nonchalant. "A few months, I guess. I dunno."

"Shame, that. She's fucking fit."

Something about the way he says it and the other boys agreeing makes her throat feel dry. She wants to hit James, and she doesn't know why. It's fucking frustrating, and she's suddenly not in the mood to be here anymore.

So she stands up. "I'm gonna crash. See you guys tomorrow."

Brad quickly rises too, tucking the joint behind his ear. The boys all ring out goodbyes and Brad walks her to the door.

He kisses her goodbye and tastes like smoke and whiskey, and Lauren really hates it so she doesn't invite him back to her room.

Her room is empty because Normani is gone. She lies on the bed and tries to concentrate on not throwing up for fifteen minutes before she hears a knock on her door.

Camila is there only wearing an oversized t-shirt that Lauren assumes belongs to her stupid boyfriend and underwear, and Lauren is so drunk that she shamelessly looks her body up and down.

Camila's eyes squint in confusion. "Hey, sorry to bother you but Mani said she left my makeup wipes in your bathroom and I need them."

"Oh, sure. Come in." Lauren opens the door wider to let her in and Camila breezes by her. She's looking through Normani's bag on the bathroom counter for a moment, and when she starts to zip it back up, there are hands on her waist. She looks up and sees Lauren watching her in the mirror, can feel Lauren's breath on her neck.

"What are you doing?" She tries to keep her voice even but fails. She's nervous.

Lauren doesn't say anything. She takes Camila's hair and moves it to one side, exposing her neck. She's moving in and Camila feels weightless when Lauren's hands start to move under her shirt.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Camila knows she should say yes. She knows this is bad. She knows it's stupid. But she couldn't talk if she tried, so she sighs and leans her head to the side, closing her eyes and releasing a moan when Lauren's lips attach to her neck.

She spins around and looks at her, and Lauren's eyes are red but they're so, so green, and she's missed them looking at her like this. So she kisses her with force and doesn't feel bad about it when Lauren lifts her and pushes her onto the counter, bottles and brushes falling into the floor.

She doesn't think about Austin when Lauren throws the shirt she borrowed from him into the floor with force after she pulls it off of her. She doesn't think about him when Lauren pulls her panties down, and she certainly doesn't think about him when Lauren finally touches her again.

She doesn't think about him at all.

/

Camila wakes up and Lauren is gone. She gets dressed in the clothes that are still sitting in the bathroom floor and sneaks back to her room and when she showers, she feels a lot dirtier than normal.

It's an off day and Ally and Normani are still gone. Dinah is asleep when Camila goes back to her room. Lauren hasn't texted her or given her any sort of indication of whether last night meant anything. She can guess that it definitely doesn't, but she always holds out hope.

She sees Lauren when she goes downstairs to the lobby. There she is, sitting at a table eating breakfast, her hand reached across the table to hold Bradley fucking Simpson's.

Camila stops suddenly and feels a pull in her chest that she hasn't felt for a while. Lauren sees her over Brad's shoulder and stops smiling. She looks at Camila for a moment but Camila can't take it and rushes back to the elevator.

/

She barges into Lauren's room (after she calls Normani to make sure she's still gone), and slams the door.

Lauren looks up from her laptop in surprise, but her face falls at the sight of Camila, standing with her arms crossed.

"Hi," she says.

"You're not doing this to me. You're not going to pretend it didn't happen."

Lauren sighs, shutting her laptop. "Camila—"

"I've worked my ass off trying to get over you," Camila pinches the bridge of her nose in annoyance, trying to control her emotions.

"I had too much to drink. I'm sorry."

She sounds like a robot. Camila wants to scream.

"You're the fucking worst. Do you know that?"

Lauren furrows her eyebrows in anger and then lifts one, almost in amusement. "You certainly didn't think so last night."

"Why do you always do this to me?" Camila shouts, hands flying up in frustration. She's about to cry. Her throat feels tight.

"Why do you _let_ me? I mean— don't you think better of yourself?" It's weak and it's low and Lauren knows it. She's stuttering, for God's sake.

Camila's eyes narrow. "It's not about what I think about myself. It's about what I think of you. Don't you get it?"

Lauren freezes. Her eyes are watery, Camila can see them shining from across the room. She's all out of plays now that Camila has cornered her. She shakes her head and looks down at the floor. The silence rings in Lauren's ears. Camila is almost panting, she's so bent out of shape.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. Camila thinks she sounds like she actually means it.

The door opens then, startling both of them. Brad walks in, spinning a bowler hat on his finger. "Oh, hi, Camila," he grins and shifts his eyes to Lauren in a nod. "Are you ready to go, babe?"

Lauren clears her throat, trying to regain her composure. "Yeah, yeah. Just give me a minute and I'll meet you in your room."

"No," Camila interjects. "Go ahead. We're done here."

/

Things shift, then. But only a little.

Camila spends all of her time with Austin, trying to forget Lauren exists. It's not easy when they share ninety percent of their lives, but it's the only safe space she can seem to find.

It's not terrible. They watch movies and he plays her his new songs and they play ping pong and have fun. She forgets when she's with him.

And it's fine. Lauren can do her own thing and pretend like she didn't stomp all over Camila's heart for the hundredth time, and Camila will try her best to be okay.

/

She hasn't been feeling very well, so she doesn't eat as much. That's the only explanation she can give. She doesn't feel like eating. She feels like collapsing all of the time.

So she does.

It's exhaustion and dehydration and she winds up being taken to the hospital on a show day.

It's The Vamps' last day. She isn't sorry she won't be wishing them a happy journey home.

/

The show goes on, quite literally, without Camila.

The girls tell Lauren that she's in the hospital and she panics and ends up crying while they try to re-choreograph their entire set. She blames the tears on it being Brad's last day, but they go on stage and Camila missing makes her sick to her stomach.

It's his last day and she should stick around to tell them all goodbye, but the second Lauren gets off stage, she's in a taxi to the hospital against her manager's wishes.

/

Camila hears a knock at the door and thinks it may be Austin, that he left to come and make sure she was okay. But the door opens and Lauren is standing there with tears in her eyes and panic on her face.

"Hey," Camila mumbles, shock washed over her pale face.

"Hi," Lauren says. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm getting fluids and stuff, it's not a big deal."

Lauren sits in the chair next to her bed and Camila just watches her, so confused by her presence. She watches as Lauren covers her face with her hands, watches as her body starts to shake.

"Hey," Camila reaches to touch her knee. "What's going on?"

Lauren pulls her hands away. She's trembling. "I'm so sorry, Camz."

"Why?"

"I'm always hurting you. I never mean to when I do. And tonight, when they told me you were here, I was so scared."

"It's alright, I'm alright."

Lauren wipes her face and clears her throat, shaking her head. "God, I don't know what I'm doing here. It's their last night but the only person I wanted to see was you."

Camila runs a hand through her hair. She's so tired. "What do you want from me, Lauren?"

Lauren glances at her shoes, takes a deep breath like she's steadying herself. She wants to reach out for Camila, but she hesitates to. She always hesitates to.

"I just want you," she shrugs. She wants to jump out of the window in the room for saying it as soon as the words leave her mouth. "I do. I like Brad, and I know you're with Austin. But I don't want to stay away from you anymore."

Camila swallows hard. Lauren can see her throat move, can see her scanning her face for any hint of dishonesty. She looks like she's about to cry. _I want you_ is all Camila hears, and she feels her chest tighten.

"I want you too." Her voice is hoarse, thick with both courage and fear and well, exhaustion. "I always want you."

Lauren releases a breath of relief and climbs up to sit next to her on the hospital bed, pulls Camila into her, throwing her arms around her neck. She doesn't know who starts crying first, but the thin fabric of her shirt feels damp on her shoulder where Camila's got her face pressed into it about the same time she feels tracks running down her own face.

"I hate how I've acted," Lauren says, her voice raspy. "I'm just scared. I don't know how to not be scared."

"It's okay. It's okay."

It isn't. Not really. Camila has questions and Lauren has answers that she probably doesn't want to hear. She doesn't have a ton of faith that this time will be different or that she'll get her happy ending. She thinks Lauren will smile at all the right times and Lauren will touch her in all of the right places.

She will laugh at Camila's jokes so know one bats an eye. She will play patty-cake with her on stage so the fans don't sense tension. She will wear Brad's sweater and kiss him in front of everyone else. And when it gets late, and she gets lonely, she will come to Camila. This routine they've been jumping in and out of for the past two years will pick up just like it always does.

It's a dance, this thing between them. Lauren leads, Camila follows.

And Camila has missed it and she loves her so she will keep doing it. She just doesn't know how much longer she can dance to the same song.


	3. Chapter 3

The tour lasts until September.

Lauren is still seeing Brad, still wearing that ugly sweater every chance she gets. He's gone though, and Camila fills the void his absence leaves.

They are back to basics; Camila sneaking Lauren into her showers when they're back to back on the schedule, Lauren crawling into her bunk when everyone is sleeping and holding her hand over Camila's mouth when she comes.

They don't talk about what they're doing still. Camila still hears Lauren's sixteen year old self begging her not to make it complicated.

It's been complicated since they met, but she tries not to make it worse.

She still eats lunch with Austin and watches him sing at every show and kisses him goodnight.

But then it ends. Austin goes back home and the girls go back to Los Angeles, and Camila wonders what will change.

/

For a bit, nothing does.

Austin picks her up at the airport when they go home and they spend a few days together. She doesn't talk to Lauren while she's home, it's some unspoken rule.

Lauren does, however, fuck Camila in the airport bathroom stall before they get their bags.

Then they go back to LA to prepare for their album release and another tour, and Brad keeps swinging by to pick Lauren up. Camila wants to hate him, but he's truthfully pretty lovely and he has no idea that she has hickeys on the inside of her thighs from his almost-girlfriend-but-not-really, so she kind of pities him.

/

Austin breaks up with her over a two minute phone call two months after the tour ends. He talks about the weather in Miami and the music he's working on, and then he says he just feels they "don't connect on that spiritual level." She doesn't even know what the fuck that's supposed to mean.

She doesn't expect it to hurt as much as it does.

/

Camila is sure Lauren knows already, is sure the other girls have mentioned it. But Lauren hasn't said anything to her all day apart from asking if she wanted toast when she woke up.

That's why it's strange when they have to go work out and Camila is just minding her own business, stretching with the little coordination she possesses, and Lauren waltzes up to her looking empathetic.

"Can you walk my arm back?"

Camila doesn't say anything, just nods.

"I heard," Lauren mumbles as Camila pushes at her arm, avoiding looking her in the eye, "about Austin. I'm sorry, Camz."

Camila doesn't turn to look at her because she needs to make it through this day without causing a scene, and Lauren's face is too hard to figure out and even harder for her to handle.

She simply nods once and pushes Lauren's arm back further.

"I'm here," Lauren says and pulls her arm free, reaching out to rub Camila's arm. "If you need me."

/

Camila knocks on Lauren's door at midnight.

Lauren opens it with a smile, but she takes in Camila's bloodshot eyes and trembling lip and frowns.

"Hi," she says.

Camila starts to cry then. "Hi."

Camila pulls at Lauren's sleeves until she's wrapped up into a hug, burying herself against Lauren's shoulder, and even as upset as she is, she still wants more. She wants miles and miles of Lauren.

"I can't believe he dumped me," she whimpers. She hates herself for crying over him, especially to Lauren.

Lauren shushes her and runs her fingers through her hair. She calls Austin every combination of curse words and insults Camila thinks she could ever hear, words she didn't know even existed because even though Lauren had her tied to her bed-post last week, she's still her friend first. It makes her laugh, but it mostly makes her cry.

"He never deserved you," Lauren says later after she brings Camila a cup of tea and Camila has stopped crying. "You know that, right?"

"Maybe not," Camila shrugs. "But at least he wanted me."

/

For a few days, Camila cries because of Austin. Because it sucks and it hurts.

But then, like nothing has changed, she starts to stay up crying about Lauren. Not because they aren't talking anymore or because Lauren does anything particularly vindictive. They're past that, she thinks.

But because they do plenty of talking, and plenty of other things too, and still Lauren lights up like a Christmas tree anytime she finds out Brad is coming to town. Because Camila and Lauren are fine and no one bats an eye anymore (save for Dinah and Ally out of concern), but _Camila and Lauren_ don't exist outside of a bedroom.

And it's tragic because Camila loves her just as much as she always has.

/

Camila goes to Dinah's room to order pizza and watch a movie because Lauren is out with Brad. Dinah knows that's why Camila's laughs seem a little forced and why her mind seems a million miles away.

They are almost done with Wedding Crashers when Dinah looks over at her best friend, sees the circles under her eyes, and stops the movie.

"Can I tell you something?" She says hesitantly.

Camila waits.

"I know about you and Lauren."

Camila’s eyes go wide. She looks around, tries to find a way to escape this conversation. Her mouth opens and closes a few times before Dinah huffs.

"Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. I already gave you a free pass a long time ago. You look like you haven't slept in a month, and you're my best friend. I'm not ignoring it anymore. This is our group. This affects all of us. We aren't stupid."

Her voice is stern but at the sight of Camila's pain-stricken face, she feels awful for her and softens it.

"I mean, we all always joked about it and thought it was just innocent or whatever, but then I saw how you got when Luis came around, then when Brad came around. And I knew how you felt about her. I think we all kind of knew. I wanted to wait until you trusted me enough to tell me, but I worry about you a lot, Mila."

It takes Camila a few seconds to recover, but she's still out of moves. Her voice is monotoned. "I wouldn't even know where to begin to explain it to you, so please don't ask me to."

Dinah reaches out to hold her hand and says it's okay, and Camila's eyes burn because it's so sweet and because she's so embarrassed.

/

They are in LA to rehearse for another tour. For their first headlining tour.

Camila is watching re-runs of Friends with Dinah, a plate of cookies between them on her bed.

"I wish Phoebe and Joey had their own show. These other fools are boring," Dinah mumbles with a mouth full of cookies.

Camila shoves the crumbs that fell out of Dinah's mouth onto the floor. "Who raised you? Don't talk with your mouth full. You're getting little crumbs everywhere and I'm gonna wake up with rats crawling all over me. It's my worst nightmare, you know this."

Dinah opens her mouth to respond but stops short when Camila's phone buzzes and Lauren's name flashes across the screen. She raises her eyebrows and Camila ignores her while she snatches her phone.

**You busy?**

She sighs, because Lauren isn't subtle. She's never really tried to be.

"DJ, I'm getting tired. Wanna pick this up tomorrow night?" She fakes a yawn and Dinah rolls her eyes.

She huffs at Camila and picks up the cookies. "I'm taking these."

Camila waves her off and focuses on her phone. Dinah watches her, feeling so sorry for this ridiculous routine Lauren has put her in, feeling a little angry that Camila refuses to talk to her about it.

"You know you're smarter than this, don't you?"

Camila looks up at her with horror on her face. "Excuse me?"

"I just don't want to see you get hurt anymore than you already are. She's with _him_ , Mila. And I know there's a lot I don't know about y'all and your relationship with each other, but—"

"Actually, you don't know anything about it." She cuts Dinah off with narrowed eyes and a shaky voice. "Please just go, okay?"

Dinah sighs and leans over the bed to kiss Camila on the forehead. "Tell Lauren I say hi."

/

It's twenty minutes after Dinah leaves when Camila hears a little knock at her door. Lauren is wearing all black and a smirk, and Camila is done for. She pushes by her and leaves Camila standing at the door as she walks toward the center of the room and stops to look back. Camila locks the door behind her back and looks her up and down.

"You look ravishing," Camila tells her in a terrible British accent, making her way to where Lauren stands waiting.

Lauren rolls her eyes and pushes her toward the bed, leather jacket already thrown across the room.

"Door locked?"

Camila nods. Routine.

"Have fun at the concert?" She doesn't mention Brad. The minute his name comes up, Lauren will run. She's pushing it even now.

Lauren shrugs, pulling Camila's shirt over her head. "Less talking."

Camila obeys her, leans up to kiss Lauren just as she feels her unhook her bra. It's only been two days but she's missed it.

Lauren almost can't take the way Camila still looks at her when they're together. No matter how much wrong she's done or how much she's made Camila miserable or the fact that she was just on a date with her kind-of boyfriend, that look never changes and Lauren wants to throw up because she's never deserved this.

So she goes in to bite Camila's neck just so she doesn't have to meet her eyes while she pretends like this is normal. Camila will hate her in the morning the second she wakes up to a half-empty bed that Lauren snuck out of.

She's already looking at Lauren with begging in her eyes before Lauren's hand slips into her shorts. _Don't go this time. You don't have to do this._

But Lauren will. And Lauren does.

/

It goes like this:

Lauren and Camila have sex pretty much every night. And sometimes during the day. Sometimes in the bathrooms of restaurants and sometimes in the shower before anyone else wakes up.

Brad swoops in every now and then and takes Lauren to a show or dinner and she wears his scratchy sweater around in public (Camila knows how scratchy it is because she's torn it off of Lauren a dozen times), and Camila doesn't ask many questions because she's finally got Lauren back, kind of. Maybe not the way she wants her, but she's not naive enough anymore to think that's realistic anyway.

It's fine.

Camila has Lauren back in the way she had her before, it makes her heart hurt a little less, and Lauren gets to maintain the illusion that Brad is the only person she's fucking.

Win-win.

/

But then Lauren changes her mind.

Camila finds her doing laundry early in the morning, and no one else is awake, so she sneaks up behind her and presses her front into Lauren's back, hands sneaking around her waist to scratch at the skin exposed from Lauren's tank top. She didn't come home last night.

"Hi," she rasps into her ear. Lauren drops the shirt she's holding.

Lauren relaxes into it — just for a moment. Then she grabs Camila's hands and pulls them to a halt, twisting out of her embrace.

"What's wrong?"

She takes a step back. Lauren pulls her hair into a ponytail, making Camila wait. She looks nervous but plays nonchalant, like always.

"I think we should chill out with this. I was going to talk to you when you got up."

Camila takes another step back. "Why?"

"He's my boyfriend now. Well— as of last night. Things are getting more serious, and I just want to give it a shot, alright?"

Camila blinks. She's briefly transported back in time, back to waiting at Lauren's bedroom door for answers, back to watching her and Luis make out in their tour bus in Miami. The feeling is always the same. Always the same lump in her throat that feels permanent.

Lauren interrupts her panic. "But hey," she grabs Camila's hand, "I love how we've gotten back to how we were. You're like my best friend. I don't want to lose that again."

Camila snatches her hand away before it starts to burn. She nods briefly, trying not to cry, and turns around to leave.

"Come on, Camila. Don't walk away."

"You taught me how."

/

Camila finds Ally later that day because Dinah will probably want to beat Lauren up, and no matter how upset she is, she won't be responsible for that.

Ally has always been better at giving advice anyway.

"I don't know what to do anymore. It's not like I can escape her. We spend ninety percent of our time in the same room."

"I know, baby, I know." Ally rubs Camila's back. "That's why I think you should take this time in LA and spend time with some other people. It's not good for you, just waiting on her to change her mind."

Camila sniffles and leans into Ally's embrace. Her nose is runny and her make up is ruined and she feels the worst she thinks she's ever felt. She wonders when being afraid stops being an excuse.

"I just don't know why she keeps doing this to me." Her voice cracks and it breaks Ally's heart because Camila is so full of this love she has for Lauren — it's practically running out of her. And Lauren is so, so stupid.

"It's the oldest story in the world, Mila. She runs because she's scared, but she always comes back, right? And one day when she figures everything out, she'll stop running." Ally smiles at her comfortingly, then her expression turns serious and she grabs Camila's hand, pulling back so she can meet her eyes. "You just need to make sure it's worth the torture of waiting around. And no one will blame you if you decide it isn't."

/

Their album comes out and Lauren sends her a text at three in the morning.

**For what it's worth, I'm still really happy I get to do this with you.**

Camila clutches her phone to her chest and feels kind of pathetic for the tears that are brimming in her eyes because she can remember the exact moment Lauren said those exact words against her lips the night they got signed.

/

Camila strolls through the living room where Lauren and Dinah are sitting on the couch, Dinah playing on her phone and Lauren watching a re-run of something on the Discovery Channel.

"Where are you off to lookin' so fine?" Dinah lifts her head above the back of the couch, whistling at Camila.

Lauren glances up from the TV and feels her skin get hot immediately. Camila looks beautiful. Her hair is pinned back on the sides and her dress is black. She can feel Lauren staring right through her.

"Dinner. Hailee is meeting me downstairs."

"Have fun, don't do anything I wouldn't do, yada-yada-yada," Dinah waves and slumps back into the couch.

Camila rolls her eyes and grabs her jacket, and she's about to leave when Lauren says it. She can't help it.

"You look really beautiful, Camz."

Camila stops in her tracks and turns to look at her over her shoulder. Lauren doesn't look vindictive or smug, she just looks honest. Dinah glances at her over her phone but doesn't say anything.

So Camila smiles tight-lipped, almost bashful. "Thank you."

Then she's out the door.

"You really need to pick a position and stick with it."

Dinah is staring at Lauren with purpose, pointedly and unfaltering, venom in her voice.

Lauren has never seen Dinah particularly angry. She's never even seen her be particularly mean. And she's definitely never been on the receiving end of either scenarios.

So she knows that Dinah knows. Her mind runs a million miles per second and she almost just bolts for her room, but she knows there is no point in trying to protest. If Dinah brought it up, she's not letting her off the hook. She sits in silence under Dinah's stare for what seems like hours.

"You must think I'm a terrible person," she finally says.

Dinah shakes her head. "I know you, Lo. You aren't a bad person. I'm sure you've got your reasons, and that's between you two. But she's trying to get over you for the hundredth time, and she deserves to be happy. She's gonna keep me up all night rambling and over-thinking you calling her beautiful, so thanks for that."

Lauren bites her thumb nail. "Is she okay? She doesn't really talk to me about anything anymore. Not about anything real, anyway."

"She's working on it."

"Does everyone know?"

Dinah shakes her head. "Mani doesn't know unless you've told her, but Ally does. Camila told her like, two years ago."

"Oh my god," Lauren rests her head in her hands.

"We aren't picking sides. We never have. We love you, Lo. You know that. But you can't keep going back and forth with her. Let her move on or get her back, but do whichever one all the way. Be fair. You're a good person."

Lauren reaches out to hold Dinah's hand, tears in her eyes. She can't say anything because she doesn't want to cry. She hates crying. Dinah knows, so she gets up and kisses the top of her head, then leaves her alone.

/

Brad breaks up with her through text message about three months later. They haven't seen each other in person in two months and he's distant and bothered every time they talk on the phone, so it isn't a total surprise.

She only tells Normani because she's in her room painting her toenails when it happens and she has to give some explanation for chucking her phone across the room and crying.

She's angry. Angry with Brad for being a self-centered asshole, angry with herself for trying so hard and giving so much to people who don't deserve it. Then she sees Camila walking down the hallway to her room with a bowl of cereal and banana pajama pants on, smiling at her with a spoon in her mouth despite all of the shit Lauren puts her through, and she sees red.

She gave Brad everything so she wouldn't have anything left over for Camila. And life is unfair and shitty, and she sees her every day as a reminder that she's the dumbest person on the planet.

Then a week later he sits and smiles while his stupid fucking bandmates make her out to be some kind of tramp, and she feels like dying from the embarrassment.

Camila tweets in her defense. Dinah told her everything because Lauren has too much pride to admit such a failure. She reads the alert on her phone and immediately goes to Camila's room.

She's sitting at the foot of her bed scrolling through her Instagram when Lauren knocks on the open door.

"Thank you, for the tweet," she says, low and small, eyes on the floor.

Camila shrugs. "I'm sorry he did that to you. You deserve better."

Lauren stills, at a loss for words. Her heart swells with affection. It's exactly what she deserves, and she knows it, but Camila tells her that like she actually believes it. There is no bitterness or condescension. She's still looking at Lauren like she did when she was fifteen, and Lauren can't understand it for the life of her.

/

Lauren's Grandma dies. It's awful because Camila knows how much she loved her, knows how much pain Lauren is in.

She leaves the tour. Camila sends her a text the night after.

**You made her proud and you'll keep making her proud. There's no version of the universe where she's not amazed by you. I'm here whenever you need me, everything is weird without you. -C**

Lauren gets back and goes straight for her, clutching at Camila's hair and jacket like she'll slip away. Losing someone has that effect on people, Camila's noticed.

They're on the road; Camila guesses driving somewhere in the South, but who the fuck knows.

It's past three a.m. and Lauren has crawled into her bunk, turned onto her side to face her. It's so quiet that all Camila can hear is Lauren's heartbeat. She listens like she always has for any indication that their proximity makes it speed up the same way her's does.

It's soothing, the steady beat that Lauren's heart has always maintained. She's almost fallen asleep when Lauren whispers,

"Why do you put up with me?"

Camila wonders.

It would be easy to say _because I love you._ It's the simplest and truest explanation and she isn't sorry for it anymore. But she won't say it again out loud, not to Lauren or anyone else. She won't tell her because she doesn't have to.

She just smiles kind of sadly, kind of helplessly, just like she feels. "I don't know."

Lauren frowns. It looks like she's about to cry. "You're too good for this. You're too good for me. You've got to know that."

Camila can't remember the last time Lauren spoke so softly, so honestly without plans or fear or control.

She shakes her head in protest because she doesn't believe that. She thinks Lauren is ridiculous and stubborn and her fear of not maintaining composure turns her into a person that is hard to love.

But she still loves her.

She loves her because no matter how hard Lauren works to insist that it doesn't mean anything, they always find each other. When she feels the pulse of hundreds of screaming fans in her veins when they come off stage, sweat sticking her hair to her forehead and the buzzing all too alive to let her sit still — she finds Camila; presses into her in a desperate attempt to calm herself, to confirm that Camila needs it just as much as she does. (And of course she does. She always, always does.)

They always find each other.

She still loves her because she sees past it. She's afraid she might always see past it.

She still loves her because she hasn't learned to do many things as well, because it's one of the only things she's sure she's better at than anyone.

And even with all of the mixed signals and reckless behavior, Camila isn't positive that Lauren wants her to stop.

Lauren kisses her then, sweet and gentle, with her hand cradling Camila's jaw. It's not precisely sexual or even romantic; it just makes sense. She pulls away and smiles and Camila can't believe she's being looked at like that.

Camila never says it, but Lauren hears it. She's been trying to drown it out for as long as they've known each other.

"Thank you for loving me."

It's the closest Lauren has ever come to saying it back, but it's really not that close at all.

/

They go to Australia and Lauren takes her to the beach. It's different this time, because her mom is also there and so are paparazzi, but Camila realizes with great distinction how little her feelings have changed from that first night back in Miami when Lauren drove her around the city and kissed her at every stop sign.

She's thinking about it when they get back to their room — the first one they've shared in over a year.

"What are you thinking about?" Lauren mumbles against her neck as she comes up behind Camila, untying the knot in her bathing suit.

Camila is feeling so nostalgic that she's honest. "You."

Lauren doesn't quite catch on. She grins, Camila sees it creeping on her face in the mirror, all sexual and suggestive. "Oh yeah?"

"You were my first date. You took me to the beach."

Lauren's movements halt. Camila is afraid she's just ruined their day and even more afraid Lauren is about to dispute her words.

"Please, don't take that night away from me. I was just remembering, that's all."

Lauren's grin has also faded, out of a smirk an into a more soft, reminiscent smile after her brief panic is gone, like she just made a decision. "You wore pajamas."

"Like I had a choice."

Like Camila ever has a choice when it comes to Lauren.

"Well, you aren't wearing pajamas now," Lauren grins, mask fitting snugly back in place. "In fact," she pulls the strings she just untied on Camila's bikini until it falls, "you aren't wearing anything."

Just as quickly as the girl Camila fell in love with that night appeared out of thin air, she disappears. Camila desperately tries to relocate her, but then Lauren is guiding her to the shower and everything is too foggy for her to see where she went.

/

After the night in Australia, they stop having sex. They don't discuss it, it just stops happening. They try being friends, and it works.

Neither of them push hard enough, too afraid to break the only already terribly fragile string holding them together left.

Camila spends her birthday with Taylor fucking Swift and no one knows where that comes from, but okay. Hailee is practically the only person she knows at her own birthday party. Lauren posts a photo of them she's never seen before and she almost cries into the box of cupcakes Taylor sends her away with on her Uber home.

When she gets home, it's so late that no one is up.

Camila changes and washes her face, and when she walks back into her bedroom, Lauren is sitting on the edge of her bed with her hand behind her back. She stands up when Camila enters the room.

"Have a good day?" She asks. She's not wearing makeup and her hair is pulled back. Camila has never seen a person more effortlessly perfect.

"I did, yeah. It was nice."

Lauren nods and she's fidgeting, tapping her foot. Camila just watches her, waits.

"I, uh, I got you something."

Lauren finally takes her hand from behind her back and produces a box. Camila thinks she's only seen her this nervous the night they got eliminated on X Factor.

"You didn't have to do that," she mumbles and takes the box, flipping it open.

There is a journal inside. It's leather and thick and the nicest thing Camila's ever seen. Her name is engraved on the front. It looks disgustingly expensive.

"Laur— this is so nice. You didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to. I owe you a lot more than a journal."

Camila tilts her head and sighs, placing the box on the bed. "You don't owe me anything. I'm just happy you're my friend." She pauses and takes Lauren's hand, not stopping to think about the implications of that word. "I'm always going to want that."

And she means it. She'd rather they stop this altogether if it's not all the way, if it's behind closed doors and hurts Camila as much as it always has.

Lauren takes in her reddened lips and flushed complexion the honesty in her eyes and something in her gut twists almost painfully.

It's not easy, pretending she doesn't want Camila. It never has been.

Because for all of her calm composure and thoroughly thought out plans, Lauren can be dangerously impulsive when she feels like it; when it comes to Camila. That's why she's been in this position so many times.

The air around them lies in layers, halting and thick, and they press in on Camila from all sides. Lauren is just an inch or two away, just like she's always been. Camila can reach out and touch her if she wants, but she's always waited on Lauren to make the first move.

She doesn't say anything when Lauren finally looks up at her, but Lauren takes a hesitant step and then a few more, and then she's pulling Camila into her. Camila tries not to hug her back, she really tries. She tries not to moan when Lauren starts to suck at her neck.

She tries so hard because she knows this is a dead-end road that they've been down enough times to know better.

She tries to say "We should stop." It comes out like, "Lock the door."


	4. Chapter 4

Camila wakes up and Lauren is standing in nothing but a long t-shirt at Camila's dresser, looking at all of the photos taped to the mirror, (mostly of Sofi, but Dinah managed to press three of her self-proclaimed best selfies among the bunch too).

"Hey," Camila says, wiping her eyes.

Lauren turns and grins at her. Camila thinks she's the prettiest thing she's ever seen. The perfect symmetry of her face seems almost crudely unfair.

"Hey, you."

"How long have you been up?"

"Not super long. I've been looking at these for a bit." She gestures to the wall and grabs the camera Camila has sitting on the dresser, a Polaroid one a fan gifted to her.

Then Lauren is crawling up the bed, hair a wreck, straddling Camila while she still lies on her back. Camila's hands raise to rest on her thighs, and she watches while Lauren turns on the camera and adjusts the setting with her tongue poking out of her mouth like a child.

"What are you doing?" Camila laughs, voice raspy and sleepy but happy.

Lauren grins and holds the camera up to her eye. "Shh. Don't bother an artist at work."

Camila giggles and hides her face in her hands. Lauren uses one of her own to pull them away. "Stop it. I want to see you."

When Camila moves them, she holds onto one of Lauren's hands and intertwines their fingers just as the camera's flash explodes and a new photo slides out and onto her chest. Lauren snatches it and starts to shake it, letting go of Camila's hand.

Camila just watches her. She looks happy. Calm. It makes Camila's heart skip because she's so fucking pretty and she loves her so much and she hopes to god this isn't another dream.

Then the photo develops and Lauren smiles at it like it's gold, flipping it over to show Camila. "You're always the prettiest when you've just woken up."

Camila's mouth goes dry because she can't remember the last time Lauren's said something like that to her. She's got Lauren's hand intertwined with hers, holding it just over her chest with a lazy smile on her face in the photo. It's her favorite thing in the world from that moment on.

"Can I keep it?"

Lauren snorts. "Yeah, it _is_ your camera. Just don't put it up there." She nods towards Camila's dresser.

 _Oh._ Right.

Camila's heart drops to the pit of her stomach.

"We're back to it, then?" She finally gets out, taking her hands off of Lauren's waist.

Lauren stills and her face falls. "Come on, Camz. I don't want to fight."

"I don't want to fight either, Lauren. I just want to talk. Like, actually talk." She pushes until Lauren finally gets off of her and sits up in the bed, waiting for Lauren to take the spot next to her.

"What do you want to talk about?" Lauren runs her hands through her hair all exasperated like this is the most dreadful conversation to ever take place.

Camila takes a deep breath. "I need you to tell me exactly how you want this to play out. I can't do this again. Can we just be, like, mature adults and talk about it like normal people?"

Lauren rolls her eyes. "Whether or not we're normal people is a bit debatable, don't you think?"

"Lauren, _please._ Don't deflect. Talk to me."

"I don't know what you want me to say."

Camila wants to reach out and shake answers out of her. "Does this mean anything?" She's asked her so many times and she can't do it anymore, she can't be unsure. She shouldn't have to fucking ask.

Lauren shrugs. "We're friends."

"We're not friends, Lauren. Don't be ridiculous."

Lauren shifts her gaze and plays with the thread coming out of the bottom of her t-shirt.

"Can you at least look at me?"

Lauren turns her head. Camila's eyes are watery and Lauren's are practically blank. Camila reaches out to touch the side of her face and Lauren's skin jumps.

"I _adore_ you. I miss you when you're gone. I think about you all the time. I have since the day I met you. I can't keep walking around not knowing how you feel. It's been so long. I'm so tired." Her voice starts to waver and Lauren still hasn't blinked. "You can tell me now, and it doesn't have to mean anything, okay? I just need to know that I'm not by myself. I need to know _something_ , Lauren. Please."

Lauren stares at her and Camila can't read her expression. The air is thick again, and Camila is waiting for just a flicker of recognition, a spark of humanity in Lauren's bright green eyes.

Lauren finally blinks and breathes slowly. "I can't–" she starts, but her eyes begin to fill with panic and her skin gets hot. She doesn't know what to say.

Camila blinks back tears and straightens her shoulders. "Can you look at me right now and tell me that you feel nothing beyond sexual attraction for me?"

Lauren looks away, looks down at the photo she'd just taken still lying between them on the bed. Her voice is dry and she's so, so scared. She can't do this. She can't say anything that Camila needs her to say, not now at least. She's not ready.

Camila nods and sniffs, looking up to keep the tears brimming in her eyes from falling.

"Okay," she nearly whispers because it's so hard to get out, "I need you to go."

/

Lauren doesn't try to sneak into her room anymore. She doesn't text her invites to join her morning showers. She barely speaks to her at all.

They stop. It all stops.

The Reflection Tour continues like it has to, and Camila dances and sings like she isn't dying inside every night.

It's fine.

/

Then it ends and they have award shows to attend and Presidents to sing for.

Lauren has new friends. Camila has new friends.

It's not that they don't speak at all, but it's usually about their new choreography or what time they have to be at the airport or what city they're going to. Camila is doing her best to forget it ever happened because for the first time, it feels like it's actually over.

/

"Normani asked me about you and Lauren."

Camila is having lunch with Ally. They're about to go home for a bit. Dinah is already home, Normani is doing something with their choreographer, and Lauren is out doing God knows what with her new friends.

"What did she say?"

"She mentioned that it was weird how hot and cold you two are all the time, that you two acted like her and her ex-boyfriend. Then her eyes got all big and she kind of filled in the blanks, I think. She asked if it was true, all the rumors."

Camila sighs. "What did you say?"

Ally takes a sip from her water. "I told her it wasn't my story to tell, that if she needed to know so badly she should ask one of you upfront."

Camila nods.

"I'm sorry I didn't just deny it, Mila. It's just so hard lying. Especially to Mani. She's the only one who doesn't know."

Camila nods again and shrugs. "It's okay. Thank you for being such a great friend. I owe you a lot."

"You don't owe me anything. We're sisters, Mila. All of us."

Ally smiles at her and then her face kind of frowns. "Well, except for you and Lauren. Because of the sex thing. Not a sisterly thing to do."

/

Lauren met Keana at a party while she was still dating Brad.

It was innocent at first. They go to shows, go to more parties. Keana takes her to her favorite taco joint in some obscure neighborhood in LA that Lauren has never even heard of. They smoke a lot of pot. They share music. Keana starts becoming her plus one at after parties.

But it's all platonic, mostly. Sometimes Lauren stares too long. Sometimes Keana gets caught looking at Lauren's lips. But neither of them address it.

Lauren thinks she's one of the coolest people she's ever met. Her apartment is constantly filled with quiet, soothing music and burning incense, the walls plastered with bright paintings and tapestries from Urban Outfitters. She lives with a calculated amount of carelessness that is almost magnetic, and she looks like a supermodel.

So yeah, Lauren likes her. She thinks about her a lot and she isn't afraid of it, not the way she was with Camila.

And after she and Brad break up and Camila severs their last string of sexual encounters, Lauren calls Keana. Their tour has just ended and she's out in LA with nothing to do for a while before she goes to Miami.

They are at a small party somewhere in Santa Monica that Vero invites them to. One of her college friends is throwing it. There is a boy sitting next to Lauren on the couch that won't shut up about his fucking student film, so she scrolls through her Instagram in hopes to send a signal of disinterest. She catches a photo of Camila strolling around New York City with Taylor Swift. It shouldn't matter, really. They have no say in each other's personal lives, and they don't talk about it.

But Camila looks happy. Lauren knows she has nothing to do with it. And she wants to be happy too. So she gulps down the rest of the rum and coke in her cup and heads for the kitchen for more. Maybe the alcohol will wash away what's left of Camila from her brain.

She catches Keana's eye across the room while she pours herself another drink, and the girl is watching her carefully, a small smile on her lips. They don't look away for what feels like centuries.

It feels like something is happening, and Lauren can't put her finger on it properly because she's a little tipsy, but she smiles back.

She goes to the bathroom when she finishes her drink. The light flickers when she turns it on and she can feel the music vibrating through the walls when she finally finds the restroom at the end of one of the hallways.

Her reflection is only a little blurry when she stops to wash her hands on her way out, but the door starts to creak open and she looks up to see Keana behind her in the mirror.

"Hey, I was looking for you."

Lauren turns around to face her, leaning back against the sink to steady herself. "Found me."

It is quiet and tense for just a few moments while they watch each other, eyes dark and hands twitching.

There is a split second where Lauren panics, just in between Keana's first step and her hands reaching out to grab at Lauren's face. But then Keana kisses her, and she feels so much heat and want that nothing else registers.

Keana pulls back, eyes blown and mouth wet. She looks at Lauren like she's equally certain and unsure, eyes searching the features of Lauren's face for any sign of resistance.

Lauren toys with the idea of feigning disgust, or shock. She could push her away. She could laugh it off like it's some drunken joke. But Keana tastes like Fireball and newfound freedom, and she's looking at Lauren like she can't wait another second, so Lauren presses her hands into her hair and kisses her again.

She's so tired of pretending not to want things.

Keana breathes hot into Lauren's mouth and then her tongue finds its way into it. Lauren bites back a moan, and Keana's hands are at her neck. It's hot and quick and all so much that Lauren feels fire start at her feet and run through her fingertips that are dancing across Keana's back, up her tank top and all over her warm skin.

Keana bites at Lauren's lip, pulling it with her teeth as she leans back to look at her face. "I'm so fucking into you," she rasps.

Lauren looks at her, and her mind is fuzzy with rum and the joint she and Vero shared earlier, but she knows that the choice she makes now is going to change everything. Keana is not Camila. She will not wait around for Lauren to find courage. So she has to be sure.

She blinks. Keana waits.

Lauren kisses her again.

/

They go to London and Camila is so happy that she almost forgets everything that sucks with Lauren. Everything is beautiful. Their fans are around every corner, just waiting. It's almost enough to make her feel guilty about being sad at all.

And she wants so badly to experience it with them. Even Lauren. Especially Lauren.

"I hate what we've turned into."

They are in the dressing room alone because they had the first two earliest call times, waiting for hair and makeup to arrive. Normani is taking her shower now, so Camila knows they only have five minutes, but Lauren hasn't really spoken to her in two days, not even something insignificant, and she's sick of missing her. She just wants them to be friends if she can't have her the way she needs her.

"We're fine, Camila. I don't want to do this now." Lauren is looking at her phone. She's always on her fucking phone. Camila sighs.

"We're not fine. We go weeks without having a meaningful conversation. I used to be able to tell you anything, and now—," her voice cracks, "now I don't even know you."

Lauren sighs and looks up at her phone. "I don't have any answers for you, okay? I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. That's not ever my intention. It never has been. But it's hard, Camila. This is all fucked."

"Then why can't you just talk to me? We can just be friends. That's all I want."

Lauren opens her mouth to speak but then Normani barges in and she closes it.

Normani glances between them, taking in Lauren's furrowed eyebrows and Camila's red eyes. "Everything okay in here?"

Lauren's voice immediately gets higher and she goes back to her phone. "'Course. Why wouldn't it be?"

"You tell me."

Lauren's hands still on her phone and she looks up at Normani, then at Camila. Normani is looking at Lauren with a challenge, begging her to say something.

Lauren stands up then and looks at Camila incredulously, shaking her head. "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"Don't yell at her," Normani breaks in, stepping in front of Lauren. "She didn't tell me anything. She didn't have to. I'm not blind. Or deaf," she raises an eyebrow humorously but no one thinks it's funny, not now. "I've known something's been up with you two for like, a year. It's kind of hard not to notice when you take turns moping around for months at a time."

"It's none of your business. None of this is anyone's business but mine," Lauren snaps. Her eyes are getting glossy, she's so angry. "Mani, I swear to God, you better keep your fucking mouth shut about this."

"Don't talk to her like that," Camila begs from the corner, voice still shaky.

Lauren snaps her eyes to her. "This is _your_ fault! You knew I didn't want anyone to know!"

"She didn't even tell me!" Normani interjects at about the same time Ally walks in.

"Why are you all yelling?" She asks, eyes wide as she glances between the three of them. Her face falls in recognition as she takes in Camila's helpless expression. "What happened?"

No one says anything for a moment, but when Lauren tries to walk out, Normani stands in front of the door so she can't leave. "No, you aren't running from this. Everybody knows, Lo. We're solving all of this now."

Lauren's face is riddled with panic, so much that Camila pities her. She knows this is why Lauren runs. She's terrified of it catching up to her.

"Mani," Ally speaks up, "let her go if she wants to go. This is their business."

"They make it our business when it affects how we function as a group. We've all worked our asses off to get here, and I'm not going to let it be ruined because you two are having lesbian drama."

Lauren's eyes narrow and her nostrils flare. "Fuck you."

She pushes Normani by the shoulder so she can open the door and slams it on her way out.

"Why'd you have to say that?" Camila begs, eyes wet and knees shaking. "You don't even know what you're talking about."

She walks across the room to leave, just as Dinah walks in with sleepy eyes and wet hair.

"What's up with Lo? I just passed her and she looked hella pissed off."

Camila scoffs and steps out into the hallway to find her.

/

Lauren is behind the venue when Camila finds her, sitting on a railing and smoking a cigarette. Camila has never seen her smoke; guesses it's just one of her many secrets. She looks like she's wiped at her eyes because they're red, and her foot is tapping against the bottom of the rail furiously.

She doesn't say anything when Camila sits next to her.

"I'm sorry," Camila whispers.

Lauren exhales a cloud of smoke, still doesn't look at her. "I can't stand the way they were looking at me. Like I'm some broken doll. Like you're the only one this has been hard for."

"They're just worried. About both of us. They only know how I feel because you don't talk to anyone about it. Only I do."

Lauren clucks her tongue. "Yeah, I wish you didn't."

"What else was I supposed to do? I needed someone," Camila sighs, shakes her head. "I needed someone and you used to be that person for me, but you stopped. I couldn't talk to you about how I felt. Every time I tried you pushed me away."

Lauren says nothing, just takes another drag from her cigarette and tries to keep her legs from shaking.

"They aren't going to tell anyone," Camila says, "about us. Or you. If that's what you're worried about."

Lauren throws her cigarette. "I'm not worried about trusting them. It's about them knowing at all, don't you get that? I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't want anyone else thinking they do," she pushes her hair out of her eyes after the wind blows it in her face, "I'm just trying to figure this out on my own."

Camila nods and looks at the ground, noticing the hundreds of other cigarette butts and wondering how many people have had these conversations out here, if anyone ever has these conversations she has with Lauren.

Lauren interrupts her thoughts, touching her hand over Camila's on the rail. "I didn't mean to hurt you in the process of that. I know I have, but I never wanted to."

Camila nods again and squeezes Lauren's hand back. Most days she thinks she knows that.

Lauren is about to say something else when the door to the venue opens loudly. Normani is walking towards them slowly, shyly, arms crossed over her chest. Lauren retracts her hand immediately, Camila tries not to be hurt by it, tries to understand Lauren's fear.

"Hey," Normani mumbles. "I'm sorry, about that back there. I didn't mean to upset you." She looks at Camila then. "Either of you."

Camila smiles thin and small, nodding that it's alright. Lauren just stares at the ground.

"Lo, I'm not gonna say anything, if that's what you think. I'd never do that. I just got tired of everyone but me knowing and I overreacted. But you're right, it's none of my business, and as long as you're both doing what you have to do, I have no right to ask questions."

Lauren looks up then and she nods once, crossing her arms like Normani's. Camila flickers her gaze between the two of them, waiting for a resolution, for Lauren to crack.

"But look," Normani steps closer and puts a hand on Lauren's knee, "I don't think any differently. You're my best friend and I love the hell out of you, no matter what. I need you to know that. It's very, very important to me that you know that."

Lauren looks down at Normani's hand and then back up to Normani's eyes, and then Normani is stepping closer again to pull Lauren into a hug.

Camila thinks Lauren might be crying, but she can't be sure.

Normani reaches a hand out for Camila, and Camila clings to it, trying to will away the urge to cry because she loves them so much and she thinks everything might be okay.

She's always been much, much too hopeful.

/

Keana comes to an after party for some awards show. The girls all know her now. They don't know that she and Lauren are sleeping together precisely, but she's been around enough now that no one bats an eye when she and Lauren enter the party with their arms linked.

Camila sees Lauren sneak flutes of champagne that they (well, that Lauren specifically) was explicitly told to stay away from. Keana is laughing into her neck, and Camila is trying so hard not to give a shit that she physically drags Dinah out to dance just so she doesn't have to look at them any longer.

The music changes after a while to something slower, so Dinah goes to get them drinks and Camila runs to the bathroom.

One would think she'd learn her lesson about these after parties and bathrooms. They never mix well, not in Camila's experience.

She doesn't think she's ever felt worse in her life when she opens the door. It takes the wind out of her. Her stomach drops. There's a weird, twisty pain in her gut. It's awful.

It's awful because there is Lauren, hair a mess and lipstick prints on her neck. There is Lauren with Keana's mouth on hers, giggling into it like the fact that anyone could walk in doesn't bother her in the slightest.

The gasp Camila lets out startles Lauren the most. She gasps too, pushing Keana away and snapping her head to the door. She freezes. Camila can't move, and she feels her throat closing up and her eyes are starting to sting, and she will never forgive herself if she lets them see her cry because she's supposed to be over this. She's supposed to not give a shit what or who Lauren does.

But she can't move.

Lauren is looking at her like she's actually sorry, like she doesn't know what to do. She's still holding onto Keana's arms, and her eyes are wide and afraid.

Keana's eyebrow is raised in confusion as she looks between Camila and Lauren. Camila almost pities her. She couldn't have known. Lauren wouldn't dare.

"Hey, Camila," she says slowly, looking at Lauren skeptically.

Camila doesn't even look at her.

She keeps her eyes focused on Lauren, shaking her head and whispering, "Wow."

"Camz—"

But she's already out the door.

/

Lauren finds Camila outside of their apartments about an hour later, sitting on a curb. Her makeup is mostly wiped off and her nose is bright red, but she's not crying anymore.

When Lauren's steps get closer, she looks up at her. Her face begins to contort, but she shakes her head, like she's willing it away. She's so fucking tired of crying over Lauren.

"Hey," Lauren sighs, standing over her, "I'm sorry you had to see that."

Camila scoffs. "That's what you're sorry for?"

"What do you want me to say?"

Camila looks back up at her. "Nothing. I want you to go inside and leave me alone. Or go hang out with your fucking girlfriend. Is that what she is? Your _girlfriend_?"

Lauren doesn't respond. She feels her face grow hot and she hates that it's all come to this. She hates that her skin itches and she's still embarrassed at the word "girlfriend." She hates that Camila is still so far under her skin.

"That's what I thought," Camila chuckles, but it's sad and nothing is funny. "So was I just a fuck to you? Is that it, Lauren? Because you never even _tried_ to give me anything else."

Lauren's face twists when she hears it. Her eyes start to burn and she shakes her head. "You know that's not true, Camlia."

"You were lonely, and I was there. Brad and Luis didn't fuck you well enough, and I was still there, right?"

"Stop it," Lauren chokes out. "You and I both know that it wasn't just about that. I was a jackass and I fucked up a lot of things, but I never used you."

"You're a liar." Camila looks at her like she's finally realizing something, and Lauren cannot take the expression on her face; can't take the thought of Camila reducing their relationship to sex.

"I didn't use you. I'd never do that. I couldn't say a lot of things, but you aren't stupid. You know I didn't keep coming back just so we could sleep together."

Camila looks down and puts her head in her hands, and Lauren watches her start to cry. She doesn't know what compels both of them to become the worst versions of themselves around one another. She doesn't know why Camila can pull her so far in every direction. She sits down on the curb next to her and looks at the ground, kicking around the rubble on the streets.

"I have a lot to apologize to you for. I know that. And I'm sorry you walked in on that tonight, I am. But Camz," she takes a deep breath, "I won't apologize for being with her. She's helping me not be so afraid of who I am, and I'm not ready to walk away from that."

"So, what? I made it _difficult_ for you to be yourself?"

Lauren shuts her eyes, shakes her head. Camila doesn't give her a chance to respond.

"I made you more afraid of who you are? Is that what you're saying?"

When Lauren still doesn't respond, Camila's face twists again. "You never even gave me a chance. I loved you so much, Lauren. That is all I ever did."

"And you pushed me."

"I never pushed you!" Camila's voice cracks.

"You did! You did in your own quiet, passive-aggressive way. You resented me because I wanted everything between us private. I wanted to feel what I felt without a million pairs of eyes on me, and you acted like that was the worst thing in the world."

Camila stands up. She thinks that if life were a cartoon, she'd have smoke coming from her ears. 

"You have a lot of fucking nerve. I resented you because you treated me like a fucking puppet!"

Lauren's eyes widen at the volume and tenacity of Camila's words.

"I didn't give a _fuck_ that you didn't want to tell everyone about us. I resented you because you'd fuck me in the middle of the night, sneak out before the sun came up, and I'd wake up to you making breakfast with your boyfriend," she spits. Lauren looks away from her immediately. "I resented you because you're a fucking coward, Lauren. You might have felt the same way about me, but you were so fucking scared that you'd rather let me walk around thinking I was just a fuck to you instead of just letting me know."

Lauren feels tears prick at the corners of her eyes. Camila wipes the ones falling down her face away furiously, so sick and tired of them always being there.

"Don't you dare blame me, Lauren. I would have kept it a secret until we die if it meant you'd just _be_ with me."

Lauren feels her eyes start to burn so badly she almost can't see, so she looks away from Camila, feeling so sorry and so stupid.

"I don't know why we're even talking about this. I don't know why you still care."

Camila's voice is thick, and she has to swallow the lump in her throat. “ _Because_ , Lauren. I thought that this—you and I, whatever we had, didn't work because I'm a girl and you were afraid." Lauren flinches. Camila holds her hand over her chest, holding back every fiber of her being that wants to cry again. "Or maybe I was just a fluke, an exception, whatever. And so knowing that you're with her, and knowing that you're actually seeing it through— God, I don't know. It hurts, Lauren. She's getting everything you refused to give me. Can't you understand?"

Her eyes are watering and Lauren wants so badly to reach out for her, but she doesn't have the right anymore. She doesn't think she ever actually did.

Instead, she nods and feels her stomach lurch at the sight of Camila's face.

Camila wipes at her eyes. "I thought it was always you, you struggling and fighting it. But now— It hurts so much more knowing that maybe I just wasn't enough for you."

"Camz—"

"It's okay. At least I know now."

Lauren sighs, defeated. She doesn't have an answer for Camila. She can't tell her that she loved her because she doesn't even know that she did. She never really gave herself the chance to. She can't tell her that she's wrong, and she refuses to placate her. They're past that. She can only deflect. She's always been good at that.

"You seemed happy, after we stopped the last time. I just— I didn't think that you even cared about me like that anymore. You said you wanted to be friends in London." She's backtracking and rambling and she knows that she's wrong before the words leave her mouth. But she's stuck, and she's never known how to get unstuck, not when it comes to Camila.

Camila's eyes roll, "I have never been so miserable in my entire life. You're with me every day and you know me better than anyone. Don't pretend anymore."

"Camila—"

"Stop. Stop twisting things around because you're scared. It's always been you, Lauren. God, I don't even remember a time when I didn't want you."

Lauren knows that, she thinks. She's always seen the way Camila looks at her. It used to be flattering, back at the beginning. But then Lauren acted like a jerk, and Camila still looked at her the same way — maybe with just a little more sadness underneath all of the adoration — and it started to terrify her.

Camila wipes her face, sniffling when she looks back up. "You've always known that, too. Please don't make me feel like what I felt for you was unclear. I told you I loved you."

Camila hasn't said those words or brought that night back up in a long, long time. It feels itchy in her throat, but it doesn't feel the least bit untrue.

Lauren looks away and Camila hears her breath, remembers the panic on her face that night so long ago. She composes herself, taking a few more breaths and straightening her shoulders.

"I told you I loved you, and you left. I told you that years ago and I've wanted to tell you every day since then. You knew. You've always known. It's unfair to say you didn't."

Lauren isn't going to say anything, Camila knows better by now. So she picks up her jacket and stands up, looking Lauren in the eye when she says it. "I want you to be happy. I hope that you are. But this," she gestures between them, "this is done. I can't do it anymore."

She reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out a photo. The one Lauren took while she straddled Camila the morning after her birthday. The photo Camila wanted to print and post millions of copies of all over the world because that's how much she loved her.

She hands it to Lauren, and a tear finally falls down Lauren's face when she looks down at it in her hand.

Then Camila leaves. She has to leave. She always feels like she's just a few breaths away from Lauren swallowing her whole.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii thanks for reading this. sorry for any mistakes. you can find me at dismiss-yourfearss.tumblr.com

Camila hasn't cried — like, really cried — over Lauren in a pretty long time. She kind of thought the worst was over until tonight; until walking in on Lauren unashamedly kissing someone else.

Don't get her wrong — she's seen Lauren kiss plenty of other people. But something about this time sticks Camila right in the gut like a knife and twists until she can't move.

Because Luis and Brad were there and it was terrible and Camila hated that they were there, but something about them always felt temporary and desperate. Lauren eventually always ended up back in Camila's bed.

But now, Lauren looks at Keana like she used to look at Camila when no one else could see.

And Lauren apologized for things, sure. But she refused to be sorry about Keana.

Camila is afraid she might have finally lost.

/

Dinah comes home thirty minutes after Camila goes back upstairs and comes to her room.

"Hey, what's going on? Ally said it looked like something happened."

Camila doesn't say anything. She's still crying, anyway. So Dinah kicks off her heels and wraps her arms around her, feeling Camila's tiny body shake with sobs until Dinah is sure she cries herself to sleep, never uttering a word.

She makes her way out of Camila's room so she can go to her own and get out of her dress. The apartment is quiet, but after she's changed and about to head back to Camila's room — just so she doesn't have to wake up alone — Lauren stumbles in.

She must have just gotten home because her dress from the party is still on and so are her heels. She sits next to Dinah on her bed and picks at the fabric of the sheets.

"Is she okay?"

Dinah rolls her eyes and scoffs. "No. She cried herself to sleep. I guess you don't want to tell me what happened either."

"I didn't want to hurt her."

"She loved you, you know," she tells Lauren. Lauren's eyes close tight and Dinah knows it's because she doesn't want to let her see her cry. "She really loved you. She's a good person, probably the best person any of us will ever know. She's my best friend. And you broke her heart."

Dinah feels so terrible about it all. Camila has been letting Dinah hold her while she cries herself to sleep for so long that she doesn't remember a time when they were all happy. She sees all of the months turned to years of pain from hiding and secrecy etched onto Lauren's stoic face, pain from denying herself what she's so badly wanted for so long, and she feels terrible. It's all terrible.

Lauren doesn't open her eyes, but her face scrunches up in pain and she falls into Dinah's shoulder. It's only the third or fourth time Dinah has ever seen her cry, and Lauren's weight feels like two tons.

/

Camila stays pretty silent for days, only talking to Ally and Dinah minimal amounts when they practically force her.

Ally insists that she go and spend time with Hailee, or Taylor. Or anyone, really.

So she calls Hailee and mumbles that she misses her and wants to hang out just so Ally will stop looking at her like a wounded puppy.

/

Hailee invites her over to watch a movie and catch up. She's been away filming, and Camila hasn't seen her in months.

They sit against the headboard of Hailee's bed with a bowl of popcorn after Camila loses a fight to watch The Notebook. Hailee picks Superbad. Whatever. A love story would probably make her want to jump out of Hailee's window, so it was probably a good decision.

They don't say much after the movie starts, but Hailee makes Camila hold the bowl and then she links her arm through hers, resting her head on Camila's shoulder.

Camila hears Lauren's voice in her head, and she can still vividly see Keana's mouth on her neck. She can't focus on the movie, and instead becomes hyperaware of the girl next to her.

She hears Hailee's sweet, light laugh beside her, and she can smell her perfume. Her hair is pinned back and Camila can count all of the tiny little freckles across her face, and she wants to feel something other than the pain from missing Lauren so badly.

So she puts the popcorn on the table beside the bed, and when she turns back around, she stares at the side of Hailee's face for a moment, deciding.

Camila raises her hand, and it's shaking when she places it on the side of Hailee's face, turning it to look at her. Hailee looks confused. Her eyebrows furrow a little when she sees Camila's face, all scared and flushed.

She opens her mouth to ask what's wrong, but Camila kisses her before she can. It's soft and shy, and Camila can't remember the last time she kissed someone so softly, the last time anyone let her. Hailee closes her eyes and kind of just goes with it, and Camila actually really appreciates that in retrospect.

When she finally pulls away, Hailee looks at her with a lot of concern. She isn't angry or disgusted, only confused. It's quiet for too long and Hailee realizes that Camila isn't going to break their silence first.

"What was that about?" She asks, her voice level and calm. It's kind of amazing how calm she is.

Camila just blinks at her. And then she stutters and her eyes get watery.

"I— I don't," she shakes her head repeatedly and Hailee grabs her hand, holding onto it tightly to calm her down. "I'm so sorry I did that. Oh my God."

"It's okay, I'm not mad. I'm just kind of, you know, confused."

Camila wants to fall into a black hole. She stays quiet for a bit, trying to focus her breathing. Hailee just waits patiently, squeezing her hand. "I think I just wanted to feel something."

"Oh," Hailee nods. "Okay. That's — that's fine. Are you alright?"

Camila shakes her head. She doesn't want to cry. Hailee holds tighter onto her hand. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I wouldn't even know where to begin." She also doesn't think she has the energy, or the will to embarrass herself in front of her newest friend that she kind of adores. In a platonic way, despite the fact that she just kissed her.

Hailee sighs and uses her free hand to tilt Camila's head so it falls on her shoulder. "That's alright. We can just, you know, be here."

Camila closes her eyes and breathes a sigh of relief, thankful she doesn't have to endure the pain of telling the story to another person; thankful Hailee doesn't pressure her into it.

"Thank you."

Hailee hums, and after sitting for a few moments in silence, she coughs and stutters. "You're not, like, into me though? Right? Did I misinterpret that?"

"No," Camila chuckles. "I'm sorry about that. It won't happen again. I just kind of— lost my brain for a bit."

"Cool, 'cause I didn't want to have to miss the end of this movie to make out with you, or whatever you needed me to do until your brain came back."

Camila reaches out and throws popcorn at her and then hugs her as tight as she can because she's lovely and understanding and doesn't ask questions when she senses she's not supposed to. It's hard to find a friend like that.

/

Rehearsals for the second half of tour begin.

Camila tries her best to grow up. It's hard not to be sad, especially when Lauren is gone all the time, probably with Keana, and when she's there it's still just as hard because she has to look at her.

But she's trying. Enough time passes that she doesn't stay up crying anymore. Ally doesn't check on her every night. Dinah doesn't follow her around to make sure she doesn't break.

It's mostly fine. Camila hangs out with Taylor because Taylor gives her advice without Camila asking for it. She spends more time with Hailee after that night because Hailee lets her talk when she's ready, gives her the freedom to just be.

Then Lauren texts her, early in the morning just before they go to their first fitting for tour.

**Hey, I know we haven't talked in a while. And I understand why that is. But if you're up for it, I hope we can try being friends. It's your call, obviously.**

Camila doesn't text her back and when Lauren looks at her expectantly when she goes to the kitchen to get a banana, she doesn't say anything then either.

She's made that mistake before. She still likes to think she knows the importance of timing, and she's not ready yet.

/

The second leg of the Reflection tour begins, and Camila still isn't quite ready.

It doesn't matter that they have choreography where they touch each other's shoulders or play patty-cake, and it doesn't mean anything when they interact in interviews because that's all pretend. It doesn't mean anything because when the cameras turn off, Camila's smile fades and Lauren watches her carefully for a bit but eventually goes back to playing on her phone when Camila still doesn't budge.

She's gotten better and it's gotten easier, though. She's worked herself up to accomplishing little by little. Like, she'll say good morning to Lauren when she's the only other one up when she gets up to shower. Or sometimes she high fives her and says "good job" or whatever when their set ends. That's mostly due to adrenaline, but Lauren takes it with a smile that stays on her face until the next morning.

They stop in Atlanta, five or six shows into it, and they're in the hotel early in the morning before they have to get ready to leave for the venue.

Camila is listening to music, making playlists and tapping her feet, when she hears a song she's never heard and her body feels like jello. That's what good music does to you.

Good music also makes you want to share it. And the person Camila's bones scream to her to share it with has always been Lauren.

There isn't a pull at her chest when she thinks of her anymore. Maybe when she thinks of the way things used to be, at certain intervals of their time together. But mostly she just misses her. In the simplest way.

Oh well. Maybe it's a sign.

/

When Lauren opens her door to Camila standing there with a pair of headphones, she breaks into the biggest grin Camila thinks she's seen on her maybe ever.

She barely has time to explain when Lauren pulls her in for a hug. Camila flinches at first and every instinct she has tells her to back away, but then she relaxes and it kind of has that homey feeling, like when you've been away for a while and you walk in your front door and it smells in a way you didn't notice until you left and came back.

/

It's not easy.

Camila still sometimes feels twists in her stomach when Lauren answers her phone and talks to Keana, and she still catches herself staring too hard at Lauren's legs when they warm up and Dinah may have to pinch her a few times to snap her out of it.

But it works because it's supposed to.

They're best friends at their core, and it's easy to be best friends when boundaries have been set and lines have been drawn. They never existed before.

She and Lauren laugh. All the time. Camila doesn't know the last time they had a meaningful conversation that didn't end with one of them in tears, and now they talk about politics and religion late into the night in whispers. They watch Bob's Burgers on Lauren's laptop when they can't sleep on the bus and share yogurt in the morning for breakfast.

It's _weird_. They weren't even this close when they were having sex. They've never been this close.

And it's not what Camila's always wanted, maybe. Maybe she sometimes wishes they were two normal girls that met by chance in their hometown and fell in love without all of this happening around them.

But then Lauren invites Camila to snuggle with her and Ally on the couch while they watch a documentary, and she can see Keana's name pop up on Lauren's phone, and Camila wonders if it would have been this way no matter their occupation.

Maybe their location and circumstance wouldn't have made a difference and Lauren would have found someone better suited for her in the end anyway.

/

They've been together for three years.

They get to Miami and there's a video that plays on stage that they didn't know about. It's already a lot to ask of Camila not to cry, or any of them, for that matter. But then Lauren pulls her into her with her right arm, tucking it around Camila's waist.

She's still looking at the screen but she leans her head over, just a fraction of an inch, and Camila can see the grin on her face out of the corner of her eye.

"I'm so happy I still get to do this with you," Lauren says. Then she squeezes Camila's hip and keeps watching the video.

Camila feels her heart in her throat.

She's in the middle of a performance and is terrified her voice will be gone.

/

They are in California for three shows sometime during the middle. There are so many they don't even know what day it is.

Dinah finds Lauren outside reading in the sun, just by the steps of their bus. The rest of the girls are inside eating, but Lauren snuck out early with a book tucked under her arm.

"Yo, you not hungry?"

Lauren looks up, surprised, and folds down the page she was on before shutting the book. She shrugs. "Not really. I'm waiting on Keana to get here."

"Oh," Dinah nods, "I forgot she was coming. You excited?"

Lauren nods, but she doesn't look sure. "Sure, yeah. I just," she stops and looks at Dinah seriously, "Look, can I be honest with you for a minute?"

"Duh."

"I'm just like, nervous about Camila seeing her. We've been on such good terms lately, probably the best we've ever been. I just don't want to like, scare her off or push her back away." She sighs and runs her hand through her hair. Her foot is tapping with nerves.

Dinah puts her arm around her shoulder. "I can't promise that she's gonna be throwin' a party for you, but you know she's gonna try her best to be cool. You won't scare her away unless you pull some shit. So _don’t_ pull any shit." She narrows her eyes at Lauren for a second, a warning.

"I'm not. I wouldn't do that."

Dinah clucks her tongue and stands up. "Good. Then it should be fine." She holds her hand out to help Lauren up. "Now come and get some food in your belly so you don't pass out on stage and ruin my hometown show 'cause you're bein' all selfish."

/

Keana gets there late, so Lauren gets her backstage so she can see her when their set is over.

Camila knew she was coming, so she shouldn't really be surprised when she gets to the dressing room and Keana is sitting on the couch. She shouldn't be at all shocked when she stands to greet Lauren and Lauren hugs her, picking her feet off the ground just a little (because Lauren's kind of weak as fuck, Camila can attest to that with the bruise that's probably still on her ass from that time Lauren dropped her in the shower).

She's kind of surprised mostly because no one but the girls really know about Lauren and Keana. And the rest of the girls don't really know much. Camila thinks she only knows because she got a free show.

But she is also certainly surprised when Lauren turns around and gestures toward her, guiding Keana closer to Camila.

"You remember Camila," she smiles.

Keana smiles, but it's kind of nervously, Camila notices. Probably something to do with the last and one of the only times they saw each other being in that bathroom with Lauren's tongue down her throat.

"Of course," she pulls Camila into a hug, which, okay. It's kind of weird, but whatever. "It's great to see you."

Camila smiles at Lauren over Keana's shoulder as she hugs her back. Lauren looks a little apprehensive. "It's good to see you too."

It gets quiet then, a little awkward. The rest of the girls have already cleared out to the area where Dinah's family and friends are waiting with food and cake and who knows what, and the three of them stand there looking back and forth, waiting on someone to just say something.

Lauren does.

"Right, well. There's food and stuff somewhere. Dinah's family always goes all out when we come here. You coming too, Camz?"

Camila smiles, a little forced but not as much as she'd thought it would be. "Yeah, yeah. I just need to get out of these clothes. I'll meet you guys out there."

Keana smiles and makes her way to the door, but Lauren stays back and grabs Camila's wrist gently. So gently Camila could barely feel it if she weren't constantly hyperaware of Lauren's movements.

"You're okay, yeah? This is okay?" She asks, just in a whisper. She's also flickering her eyes between Camila and where Keana is waiting in the hall.

Camila nods. She's not super okay, obviously. This is kind of a shitty situation, also obviously.

But she doesn't want to ruin things for Lauren when she's actually trying to be better.

"I'm fine, Laur. Go. I'll be there in a minute. Have fun."

Keana is listening, straining her ears to hear their whispers. When she finally gets the nerve to peek her head in, she sees where Lauren's hand is nonchalantly rubbing Camila's wrist; notices the concern in her green eyes while she whispers.

It's only slightly discomforting.

/

They get on the bus for a long night trip to the next city, and Camila is sitting in the front on one of the couches, playing on her phone and waiting for everyone to get on.

Someone in the back asks her to see if Lauren was on her way, so she turns around to see from the window.

She sees Lauren, close to the back entrance of the theatre. Keana is hugging her, and Camila knows she should turn away; knows it's probably like, detrimental to your health to watch and wait for the girl you spent the last three years crying over make out with her girlfriend, or whatever she is.

But she can't.

She sees Keana pull away, and she's saying something to Lauren, smiling.

Lauren smiles back, but then she looks around— like, almost does a complete 360 of glances— to make sure no one is watching. Camila knows. She's been the one waiting on Lauren to get finished looking around too many times to count.

Then Lauren kisses her and Camila immediately turns around in her seat, yelling to their manager in the back.

"Yeah, she's coming."

/

They are in New York for their last show. When it's over, they decide to stay an extra day.

Camila wants to go see something on Broadway and no one will go with her because Normani and Dinah made dinner reservations with their moms and Ally has Troy with her.

So Lauren says she'll go, and she wishes she didn't.

She wishes she didn't because Camila knocks on her hotel door an hour before it starts and she's in the tightest red dress Lauren has ever seen. Heat takes over face because Camila is standing there, makeup done and hair curled, smiling and holding up two tickets, grinning like a cheshire cat.

Lauren chokes on her own breath. "Hi."

"Hi to you, too. You look really lovely."

Lauren is in a black dress, not nearly as tight, but just as low-cut. Camila tries not to look, because that's kind of rude probably and definitely not part of best friend code to oogle said best friend's boobs.

Lauren coughs, trying to find her voice again. "As do you."

Camila holds her arm out and puts on a ridiculous British accent that Lauren thinks has only gotten worse and worse as time goes on. "Shall we, m'lady?"

/

The show is the most boring thing either of them have ever sat through, so they try to make a contest out of who can get the most dirty looks from other audience members. Lauren smacks on her gum as loud as she can and a man in glasses turns completely around in his seat to glare at her. Camila kicks a seat and laughs when things are supposed to be dramatic, and Lauren thinks she might pee her pants because people are _outrageously_ offended.

Then, Camila burps. It's on accident, not even part of their game. And a security guard is glaring at them so hard that they get up and make a run for it.

It's night time when they get outside, the city lights looking astronomically bright and magical. They are laughing so hard that Lauren has to bend over and catch her breath and Camila is legitimately cackling. It's a mess.

They finally calm down and Lauren stops to look at Camila, then; the way her eyes get big and light up when she looks above them at all of the magnificent buildings. They've been here so many times and Lauren has always seen that same look on Camila's face.

It's magnetic.

Camila finally looks back down and finds Lauren's eyes, and she smiles so wide, it's impossible for Lauren not to replicate it.

"What is it?" Lauren asks around a laugh, no idea why they're grinning.

"I'm just happy we're here together. Here as in, like, with the group and everything, obviously. But also just here now."

Lauren feels her knees kind of go weak, and it makes her feel kind of ridiculous because that's a ridiculous cliché, but then Camila reaches out and takes her hand to walk the distance back to their hotel, and Lauren stumbles a little because, literally. Knees. Weak.

/

They get back and Camila walks with Lauren to her room. Dinah had already asked them to come watch a movie in her and Camila's room, so they needed to change anyway.

They stop outside her door and Lauren leans her back against it.

"Thanks for going with me," Camila says. "Even though the show sucked."

"I had fun. This was really, really nice."

Camila nods and smiles and she looks so pretty that it almost kind of hurts Lauren's feelings. She doesn't remember ever seeing Camila this happy, this comfortable in her skin.

There's something rising in her body, warm and light, that she can't put her finger on or control. All she knows is that she wants to kiss her. With every ounce of herself, she wants to reach out and kiss her.

But she can't do that.

It's not fair.

And when it registers to Lauren that this was kind of like a date, but not really, it's almost unbearably hard not to wonder what could've been.

/

The tour ends but they have appearances in Los Angeles, so they have to hang around for a few days before they can go home for some much needed rest.

Lauren is lounging in Keana's apartment, watching a marathon of the Vampire Diaries with Keana stretched over her lap. They stay like that pretty much all day.

Lauren kisses the top of Keana's head and gets up to go to the bathroom at about the same time that there's a knock at the door, probably their Chinese takeout.

"Do you have tip money? I don't have any cash!" Keana shouts to Lauren through the bathroom door.

"Yeah, my wallet is in my purse."

Keana picks up Lauren's purse from the kitchen table and snags her wallet from the bottom, opening it up and flipping to the back for a few dollar bills. But she stops at the material of something else. It's not money.

She pulls it from the stack of cash, and her heart kind of drops at the sight of it. Dread bubbles in her stomach as she takes in the Polaroid, the one Camila gave back to Lauren the night she walked in on her and Keana.

She takes the picture and five dollars and puts Lauren's stuff back before she gets out, running to the door to take their food.

Lauren comes out of the bathroom and finds Keana sitting on the couch, the food still in the kitchen untouched.

"Is something wrong with the food?" She asks.

"Could you sit for a minute?"

Lauren furrows her eyebrows but rounds the couch and sits down next to her. "What's wrong?"

"If I ask you something, will you be honest with me?"

Lauren feels her hands get clammy. "Uh. I'll try."

Keana watches her closely, takes in the subtle panic doting Lauren's features, and exhales slowly. "Is there something going on with you and Camila?"

Lauren's eyes widen first, then narrow. "Why would you ask me that?"

"Answer me."

"I don't know why you'd even–"

"I found this. In your wallet." She holds the Polaroid out. "She's obviously naked under that sheet and I'm assuming you're the one on top of her, holding her hand."

"It's not — it's just a stupid—"

"Are you sleeping with her?"

"No! I haven’t — not since I've been with you, anyway. We stopped a while ago, before anything happened with us."

"She stopped it or you did?"

Lauren opens and closes her mouth, stuck and embarrassed.

"Are you in love with her?"

Lauren freezes. No one has ever asked her that before. Her throat feels tight, she tries to swallow but it hurts and she can't say anything.

Keana reaches for Lauren and grabs her face with one hand, the photo still turned over and clutched in the other. "Lauren. Look at me. Are you in love with her?"

Lauren takes a deep breath and stares at Keana like she's anchoring her to the ground. Then her lip starts to quiver, but only slightly; Keana wouldn't have even noticed if she weren't staring so intently. Lauren wants to throw up because she's never said it before. She's barely even let herself think it, and it's making her insides boil.

"I might be."

Keana's face falls just a bit from disappointment, but she nods in understanding. "Okay."

Lauren's face twists and she chokes out an apology before collapsing into Keana's chest.

"I'm always hurting people," she mumbles against her shirt, grasping at it. "I didn't want to hurt you."

Keana holds onto her tightly and wills away the urge to cry because she knows this is over, the run they had. But Lauren was her friend before they became whatever they became. The fact that Lauren refused to talk about it should have given her away a long time ago.

"I know you didn't."

/

They're just friends now. Not how Camila and Lauren used to be friends; actual friends.

Keana is as sweet and understanding as she is cool, and she's basically the only person in the world Lauren has been totally honest with.

She tells her everything. From the beginning. She tells her about X-Factor, about how she took Camila to the beach when they got home and that it was the best night of her entire life. She tells her about being so terrified about how much she wanted to be with her that she forced a relationship with Luis. She tells her that she actually thought she could be really happy with Brad, but he fucked it up before she could. She tells her about Camila finally getting the courage to end it before they ended up ruining everything they'd worked for over Lauren's stupidity and fear.

She lays in Keana's lap and she tells her that Camila told her she was in love with her. She tells her it was the scariest moment of her entire life.

When she's done talking, tears running down her face, Keana runs a hand through her hair and tries not to cry for her too.

"You're a good person. You have a good heart. You just made mistakes because you were scared and stupid. I'm sure she knows that. She'll forgive you if you just explain."

"You don't understand. I hurt her. I broke her heart. Over and over and over. I ruined every chance I had."

Keana doesn't say anything. She turns on the television and plays some history show she knows Lauren will like, and later when Lauren gets up to leave, she holds her arm.

"You know, you work so hard to make yourself miserable. Stop overthinking and let yourself be happy. Don't be so afraid of what you want." She takes Lauren's jacket and hands it to her. "Take some time and sort yourself out, and make sure it's what you really want, because you can't hurt her again. Not like that."

She kisses Lauren on the side of the head and pulls her into a hug at the door. "But look, be _sure_. I don't know her that well, but I don't think either of you can take it if it falls through again."

/

Lauren comes home and goes straight to her room where she stays until their flight is set up. Her phone is turned off and she ignores the knocks on her doors.

When Ally and Normani fly back, she doesn't tell them goodbye.

Then Camila knocks on her door because they're the only two left in the house.

"Our ride to the airport is here." Camila says, voice small.

Lauren doesn't say anything. She gets her bags and waits until she hears Camila walk away before she comes out and goes straight downstairs.

"Is everything okay?" Camila asks when she gets in the car. "You seem upset."

Lauren shrugs off the hand Camila puts on her shoulder. "I'm fine."

She knows Camila hasn't done anything and that being cold is doing nothing but taking them three steps back, but she can't bear to look at her face because she's afraid of what it'll make her do.

She doesn't know if she's ready for the consequences of that, and she's smart enough to know that hurting Camila's feelings by ignoring her is way, way less of a dangerous thing to do when she's not sure yet.

They get on the plane and Lauren puts headphones in the whole way there. Camila looks like she could cry, but she doesn't.

At the airport, Camila tries to hug her goodbye. Lauren keeps her headphones in and gives her a side-hug without saying anything.

They get home and Camila cries into her pillow. She texts Ally just to be informed that Lauren didn't tell any of them goodbye either. As much as that makes Camila feel better, she knows it's a problem that it does.

Dinah calls and tells her that she ran into Keana at a restaurant, that Keana mentioned she and Lauren were just friends now. Camila would be typically be at least _kind_ of happy hearing that, but it's not like it matters when Lauren isn't even talking to her.

They are home for three weeks and Lauren has returned none of her texts, answered none of her calls. She talks to Lauren's little fucking sister more than she does her.

Camila quickly realizes that losing Lauren as a friend after how hard they've worked to establish it again hurts a hell of a lot more than any other time Lauren has pulled something like this.

She thinks she might have been foolish to think Lauren would last longer than this without screwing it up again, but then Taylor tells her that Lauren stays in her room and hasn't seen any of her friends very much, and Camila realizes it probably isn't personal. She just starts to worry.

/

When their break ends, Lauren schedules her flight a day later than Camila's. Camila assumes that seeing her must be so dreadful that taking a flight alone is a better alternative.

/

They are back in LA recording their second album. Lauren doesn't talk to Camila, but she doesn't really talk to anybody.

Camila just wants her to be okay, no matter how she fits into that picture.

/

Camila gets hungry in the middle of the night and tiptoes to the kitchen for something to rest her stomach. The silence isn't comforting anymore. She actually kind of hates it. Lauren's light was still on, but she tries not to think about it too much while she spreads peanut butter onto her bread.

She's about halfway finished with her sandwich when she hears a door creak open and footsteps in the hallway. Lauren rounds the corner and stops, looking just as tired as Camila feels.

She sits directly across from her at the table, and she looks different. Something has changed. It's been weeks since they've spoken directly about something other than their album. Lauren just stares and breathes, eyes focused and sad.

Camila stares back and absentmindedly places her napkin over a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich, not knowing how to start a conversation now, not knowing if she should. She tries.

"Are you okay? I've been really worried about you. I don't know if you've been getting my texts—"

"Do you hate me?" Lauren interrupts her. There's a fear in her eyes that Camila can't understand, because there are a hundred feelings she can associate with Lauren, but hate has never even almost been one.

"No."

"Not ever?"

Camila blinks. "Not ever."

Lauren shakes her head and lets out a really shaky breath Camila can feel across the table. She runs a hand through her hair, and her eyebrows furrow. She's trying to breathe properly, trying to control her face. But it doesn't work. A tear slowly spills out of her left eye, and then more come. She doesn't cover her face or hide, just silently cries. Camila watches her fall apart at the kitchen table, afraid to move.

"Why are you crying?"

"Can I come over there?" Lauren asks, voice wavering.

Camila hesitates, but nods. She's tried to stop romanticizing things so much, especially with Lauren, but she swears she feels a shift in the universe. Her arms open when Lauren sits on her lap, burying her head into Camila's neck. Camila feels Lauren's body shaking with tears, then Lauren's shaky breath on her neck, then whispers on the shell of her ear.

"I'm sorry," she whimpers, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Camila feels her chest start to burn.

"I'm so sorry, Camila. I'm so sorry for hurting you so much."

Her chest stings now. There's not enough space in it anymore for all of the things Lauren keeps making her feel.

She pulls back to look Lauren in the eye, and Lauren doesn't look afraid anymore. She looks upset and distraught and really, really tired, but she mostly just looks honest and sorry. Camila can't remember the last time she saw Lauren's eyes shine without fear in them the way they are now, even red and wet.

She coughs, and then she grabs a fistful of Lauren's hair and cries too, pulling her closer and closer until there's no space. Just two crying heaps piled on a chair in their too quiet kitchen.

"I know, Laur. I forgave you already."

Lauren squeezes at her shoulders, sobbing into Camila's oversized off-white sweater. "I love you," she shakes out, but Camila hears it so clearly. "I've always loved you."

It's the first time she's ever said it.

“Wh— what did you say?" She has to be sure. She needs Lauren to tell her again.

Lauren moves her head so she can look at Camila again and she shrugs and then nods. "I love you," she says with a crack in her voice.

Camila lets out a breath she supposes she's been holding for the better part of the last three years. She shifts until she can grab hold of Lauren's face with both of her hands. Lauren has tracks of tears staining her face, her hair is messy and tangled. Her eyes are honest and bright green. Camila wants to take a photograph of her. Of this moment. She thinks she could look at it sometime in the future and know that this was the moment she knew she could forgive Lauren for anything. The moment she knew she'd never stopped loving her. The moment she knew she probably never would.

Lauren still hasn't properly caught her breath from all of the crying, but she tries to kiss Camila anyway. It's slow and sweet and everything Camila thought she'd never feel with Lauren again. Hands aren't anywhere but on each other's faces. It's not rushed. Lauren doesn't peek around the kitchen to make sure Dinah isn't wandering in for a late snack. Camila isn't terrified that she'll crumble when it ends.

"Is this okay?" Lauren asks her. Camila nods and pulls Lauren back to her, kissing her again.

Camila wants Lauren to feel her forgiving her, even if she shouldn't. She wants Lauren to know. She needs her to know. So she shows her. She kisses her with pressure and then with softness so light that Lauren's chest aches for more. She is everywhere. Even Camila's hands kiss her.

Lauren pulls away first and kisses the bridge of Camila's nose. Her eyes start to water again as she looks at her. Camila looks exhausted and overwhelmed and she looks at Lauren like she can't believe she's real. Lauren loves her. God, she loves her. She's always loved her.

Lauren doesn't think she'll ever know someone this beautiful again. She doesn't think she deserves to know her now.

"I'm ready now," she whispers. Camila thinks she could die. "I'm ready. I wasn't before and I understand if it's too late, but I need you to know."

Camila clears her throat. Behind Lauren's head, there is a photo of the five of them on the refrigerator. It's from X-Factor; they're in pastel dresses about to sing Anything Can Happen, about to be launched into a whirlwind of crazy.

That night, Lauren will press Camila into a dark corner of a hallway and steal her first kiss away with her eyes and hands and lips.

That night, Camila will learn what it's like to want someone in every sense of the word, and she'll learn what torture it is to get them in increments, but never all the way.

That night, Lauren will let a few glasses of wine push her into doing what she's been thinking about doing for months, and she will be terrified of how much she wants to keep doing it when her buzz wears off. She will wake up in the morning and find Keaton and pray that Camila won't hate her as much as she hates herself.

Three and a half years later, they sit in this kitchen with Double-Platinum awards on the walls and memories that sting and punch and kiss them at once, and Camila has been waiting for this the whole time, waiting for the feeling of Lauren being ready. She hears Ally telling her a long time ago that it's okay if the waiting wasn't worth it.

She looks at Lauren then.

She's the most beautiful thing Camila's ever seen and as much as looking at Lauren has hurt, looking away is the last thing she wants to do.

Lauren reaches out and runs her thumbs over Camila's cheekbones like she's made of glass, tilting her head in a half-smile, half-frown. "I have so— I have so many things to say sorry for. And I'm going to be sorry for the rest of my life probably for how I treated you." Her voice is quiet. "I was just so scared. But hey," she uses one of her hands to push Camila's hair to one side, "I'm not going to be angry if you can't do this again. I'll understand."

Camila clears her throat and cracks a watery smile, reaching up to hold onto the hand Lauren is still running over her cheek. "I think I would do it all again."

Lauren shuts her eyes tight and shakes her head like she's going to cry more. Camila kisses her square on the mouth and pulls away, her bottom lip quivering with honesty. "If this was us meeting for the first time, all those years ago. I would do all of it again."

/

Lauren walks Camila to her room. It has to be past four. They spent almost an hour sitting in that kitchen chair, clinging to each other and kissing in between Lauren's apologies and Camila's forgiveness.

They lie in Camila's bed, facing one another, and Camila has become accustomed to this — them being alone in the middle of the night on her bed — leading to the obvious.

But Lauren reaches out to hold her hand where it lies in between them, and Camila feels more intimacy in the way Lauren watches her closely and squeezes her fingers than she's ever felt from being thrown against bedroom walls and having her moans and screams swallowed by Lauren's mouth.

"I have something of yours," Lauren whispers.

She lets go of Camila's hand and walks to the dresser, reaching into the back pocket of her jeans (Camila has no idea why Lauren is still wearing jeans). She turns around and shows Camila the Polaroid.

Camila sits up and grasps at her chest, heart picking up speed out of sheer affection. "You kept it?"

Lauren nods and shrugs. "It's yours. Can I put it up?" She nods towards Camila's dresser, where all of her other photos have stayed.

"Up there?"

"Up there."

Camila nods and feels tears prick at the corners of her eyes when Lauren sticks the photo — their photo, the one that can't be mistaken for friendship by anyone who happens to walk by and glance at it — right in the middle of Camila's favorite things, just next to Dinah's latest selfie and a photo of Sofi jumping rope.

/

It's another party for another award show. Camila can't remember what or who or where. Dinah pulls her by the hand when an old Britney song comes on to the dance floor, and Camila is so happy that she's her best friend.

She's starting to feel like she's been here so many times. Sweaty and alert in the middle of a hundred strangers, waiting on Lauren to just glance her way. Normani has found them and is spinning Dinah around, laughing all high-pitched and happy. There is a split moment of dread, where she is afraid that this is like every party she's ever been to, and then Camila looks to her right and she sees her.

And, okay. No. She hasn't really been here before. Because Lauren isn't tongue-deep in some random boy. There's not another person kissing her neck or dragging her away to a bathroom.

Lauren is looking at her with a small smile, just watching. There is no bubbling sadness in the pit of Camila's stomach or Dinah pulling her away because she knows about that sadness. There are no games or questions. There is only Lauren and Camila, looking at each other across the room with years of history between them that no one else could ever or would ever understand, adoration spewing out of their faces.

Camila nods her head, gesturing for Lauren to join them. Lauren puts her drink down and laughs her way onto the dancefloor. Normani squeals and pulls her toward them. Lauren spins and spins and laughs and finds her way to Camila, throwing her arms around her shoulders and swaying. Dinah catches Camila's eye over Lauren's shoulder and smiles so wide, so happily. Ally joins them eventually, jumping on Dinah's back and planting a wet kiss on her cheek. (Camila thinks she's had three too many margaritas). Camila loves them so much. She is so lucky.

Lauren giggles into her neck and Camila feels her lips and then her hot breath, "Thank you," Lauren says into her ear.

"For what?"

"For letting me catch up."


End file.
